How can I reject him without hurting his feelings?
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Dear Hera,
I own a two-bedroom house, and I rent out the second room (at mate’s rates) to a friend. I do this mainly because I want to live with my friends; I could afford the mortgage without the rent they pay. I’ve had three friends in there so far, sometimes when one has moved out (moved in with partners or moved away from the city), it’s been empty for a bit until I’ve found a good fit.
My most recent flatmate moved out a few weeks ago. Another friend, call him Josh, is looking for a place to live and asked about my room.
Josh is a fairly close friend, I see him probably most weeks. But I don’t want to live with him. To be honest, he gets kind of annoying after a while, which I think would be a problem both for me and for guests.
How can I reject him without insulting him? My instinct would be to go for a white lie (aka just a lie) but anything about “I just want to be alone for a bit” will be obviously found out when I get another flatmate in the near future.
Sincerely, Flatmate Landlord
Dear Flatmate Landlord,
Every so often, a problem appears in my inbox which represents my private version of hell. It’s all well and good telling people they should move to Italy to go to clown school, or sit out their friend’s bombastically expensive destination wedding, but this problem is no fun, because the only viable solution is honesty. If I were you, there’s a non-zero chance I’d simply cave, invite them to move in with me, and then spend the next four years of my life silently castigating myself for being a wretched pushover.
You should absolutely trust your instincts on this one. People you like to see once a week and people you would be happy to permanently share a bathroom sink with are two entirely different things, and if this guy already occasionally gets on your nerves, there is no world in which having to negotiate electricity bills or kitchen cleaning rosters together is going to improve your situation.
Living with friends is hard enough at the best of times, even if you get on really well. It becomes infinitely more complicated when you’re technically their landlord, and don’t have the option of moving out if things go sour, and instead are forced to evict someone from your property, which is bound to hurt their feelings a lot more than simply refusing to allow them to move in, in the first place.
I don’t think there is any way to politely reject him without hurting his feelings. I think you’re just going to have to grit your teeth and say it.
You could try a white lie, but as you say, that’s probably going to catch up with you eventually. It might be tempting to tell him your great aunt is planning to stay for a month, and you already promised her temporary accommodation, but this sort of “white lie” has the potential to quickly devolve into a slapstick Mrs Doubtfire-esque situation. If someone busts you in the middle of an obvious lie, it’s much more hurtful than if you’d just been honest with them in the first place.
On the other hand, there’s no need to go into excruciating detail. Sometimes when you feel bad about something, it’s easy to overcompensate by being overly apologetic and getting too confessional about something that doesn’t warrant the full 60 Minutes treatment.
If I were you, I’d go for polite brevity. I actually think that “I’m not looking for another flatmate right now, sorry” is fine in this instance. I suppose this is technically a lie, if you would eventually like a new flatmate, but I think that most people will understand “not right now, sorry” as the polite brush off it is, rather than a statement demonstrating your solemn intent to live alone forever.
However, if this friend is incredibly literal-minded and needs things spelled out, it’s better to go with the more painful but truthful – “I don’t think we’re domestically compatible, sorry.” But I think most people with a baseline understanding of social etiquette and conversational nuance can tell the difference between a white lie and a tactfully phrased rejection.
Whatever you say, I would try keeping it polite, brief and not offering up any excuses or explanations beyond the bare minimum. If your friend takes this as an opportunity to argue, you can always be a little more forthcoming about why you don’t want to live together, but I think it’s kinder to err on the side of keeping your rejection short and to the point. It’s easy to get so worked up over potentially hurting someone’s feelings, you can turn a simple conversation into more of a crisis than the situation really warrants, when a firm but friendly “no thanks” was all that was required of you. It’s entirely possible Josh might not care at all. Some people are blissfully immune to any sort of rejection, and he might simply be one of these tenacious and confident types of people who are able to cheerfully shrug and get over it.
If he does take it badly, your friendship might suffer, but it’s better to have a minor falling out now than have a major falling out when you eventually have to evict him from your apartment. Either way, don’t twist yourself into knots trying to take the sting out of a necessary but unpleasant task. Summon your inner German, and rip the band-aid off sooner rather than later. It will hurt you both less in the wrong run.
Good luck!
