I can’t even afford to go out for dinner, while she’s going on a fancy international holiday.
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Dear Hera,
I have this friend from high school who recently returned home after finishing uni. She has never worked, and she is about to embark on a long holiday to South America, which her parents are paying for. She’ll be spending almost a year abroad, visiting galleries and waterfalls which have always been on my bucket list.
Since moving back home, she will ask me if I’m free during the week and I’ll have to tell her I’m working. Or she’ll want to go out for dinner, and I’ll have to tell her I can’t afford it.
I grew up middle-class. I have friends who grew up with less than me, and I have friends who grew up with more than me, but none to the same extent as this friend who is going overseas.
During high school, it didn’t bother me too much that we had different financial backgrounds. Now, when most of my other friends in their early 20s are scraping by, I’m finding it so hard to listen to her talk about this trip.
How can I keep our friendship going when it feels like we’re living in different worlds?
Sincerely, Little Miss Bitter
Dear Little Miss Bitter,
The traditional solution to having despicably wealthy friends is simply to crash their expensive Italian vacation, learn to forge their signature, take them out on a rental boat and quietly murder them. Either that, or get them to invest in one of your pyramid schemes. But it’s a lot harder to fake your death and steal someone’s identity these days. Short of overthrowing global capitalism, I’m afraid you’re just going to have to find a way to deal with the unfairness of the situation.
The situation is unfair. No arguments there. Global inequality is worsening, the cost of living is getting higher, and our governments are doing their best to facilitate wealth hoarding at the expense of literally everyone else on the planet. I don’t blame anyone for having a few idle guillotine-based fantasies.
The situation is so unfair, it’s beyond the scope of an advice column. I’m not going to tell you that if you work hard and apply yourself, you might someday be on the Forbes 30 Under 30. It’s probably equally unhelpful to remind you that you’re a lot better off than a vast number of people, many of whom would consider your lifestyle scandalously decadent and hedonistic. Even saying the average modern middle-class person has a life of comfort and stability that would rival the living conditions of some of the great kings of antiquity isn’t much consolation when you’re trying to decide between an emergency trip to the dentist or paying your rent.
Life is unfair, and I don’t blame you for saying so.
However, let’s say you love your friend and want to see her happy. Let’s say you’re simply looking for advice on how best to swallow your envy, like a dog being force-fed charcoal tablets at the vet. How do you feel happy for someone who seemingly has everything you want, and doesn’t even seem to appreciate it?
The first thing you can do is be honest. I’m not suggesting you have a tearful conversation about the cosmic injustice of her international holiday. But if she’s in town and wants to catch up, and you can’t afford to go out for dinner, don’t grit your teeth or make excuses. Just tell her you can’t afford it! Say you’re living on the memory of yesterday’s beans, and there’s no way you can afford to split the check at a two-wine dinner. I think you would be surprised at how receptive most people are to hearing “sorry babe I’m flat broke.” If money is a sensitive issue for you, it can feel shameful to admit this, but the better you get at laying out the realities of your financial situation without apology or embarrassment, the easier it will get. You have nothing to feel ashamed about! You may not be able to afford the roasted cauliflower head for two, but the truth is free. I think the more honest you’re able to get with her, the less resentment you’ll feel about having to make weird excuses for no reason.
Your friend, on the other hand, might feel embarrassed about her relative wealth. But that’s her own problem! If she’s a good friend, she’ll either offer to shout you dinner, or be willing to find a cheaper way to enjoy your company.
It may be cold comfort, but I also have to remind you that even rich people don’t all have enviable lives. I’m not saying money can’t buy happiness, or at least solve nine out of your 10 most pressing problems. But even Elon Musk’s extensive personal fortune would never be enough money to convince me to swap lives with Elon Musk. Butter might be $10 a block, but not being Elon Musk is free! That’s a luxury even the richest man in the world (Elon Musk) can’t afford.
Many rich people live miserable lives of private desperation, just with better quality linens and healthcare. That might not be a comforting thought when you’re behind on your electricity bills and scrolling through your rich friend’s vacation photos. But I’m willing to bet there are things about your life your friend is envious of. There are so many different ways in which life can be unfair. Health. Geography. Personal tragedy. Looks. Family. Talent. Fertility. The ability to whistle. Having people who love and care for you. We tend to take the good for granted, but many of these qualities are arguably much luckier than being born into generational wealth. I’m sure your friend has her own private insecurities and griefs, which you don’t know the full extent of. Money truly isn’t everything. Just something to think about while threading camels through needles.
There’s no easy way to overcome your feelings of envy, especially in such an increasingly inequitable world. But at the same time, there’s no point grilling your friend over something she can’t control. Be honest with her. Tease her a little. Call her Daddy Warbucks. Wish her well with as much generosity as you can muster and make her promise to send you lots of postcards with her signature at the bottom, in large, clear, counterfeitable handwriting…
