Should I confront them about it, or is it time to make new friends?

Want Hera’s help? Email your problem to helpme@thespinoff.co.nz

Kia ora Hera, 

It’s my birthday tomorrow and none of my friends have reached out to make birthday plans with me. I planned a lovely weekend spending Saturday with friends and Sunday with my cousin but none of them twigged that it was the weekend before my birthday.

I have a lot of people I know, and some people who I consider my best friends, but I don’t think any would call me their best friend. A couple of years ago my oldest friend forgot to put my 40th birthday party in her calendar and made other plans. I didn’t get invited to whatever she did to celebrate hers the following month. I just found out I didn’t make the cut for another friend’s 40th birthday dinner. I’ve had a pretty rough couple of years and I feel lonely; it’s painful to find out that I don’t have the kind of people who rally around at the best times, let alone in a crisis.

I’m open to any advice at all, but I’m particularly interested to know if you think it would be helpful to try and talk to my friends about how sidelined I feel, or if I should just move on and develop new friendships. 

Nga mihi mahana,

Lonely

Dear Lonely 

First and foremost, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I think this is a difficult question to answer, because there’s no universal set of expectations for what a close friendship should look like. One person’s Scooby Doo ghostbusting fantasy is another person’s codependent vision of Hell. It’s much harder to make a moral judgement about whether someone is behaving negligently in a friendship than in a romantic relationship, because romantic relationships (for better or worse) come with a lot of cultural scaffolding and etiquette. Friendships, on the other hand, are the wild west. 

I’m sorry your friends didn’t remember your birthday. What I don’t understand is why you didn’t tell them? You say “nobody twigged” but there’s no reason to be coy about something that’s obviously so important to you. In a perfect world, you wouldn’t need to drop hints. Your friends would know you well enough to proactively hire the bouncy castle and champagne fountain. But this is only setting you up for bitter disappointment when they inevitably forget. 

The truth is, people will forget your birthday, and it isn’t because they don’t love you. It’s because many people just don’t care about birthdays. I understand why you’re hurt. You’re probably great at remembering other people’s birthdays and buying thoughtful gifts, and don’t understand why other people can’t reciprocate. But you can’t use your birthday as a referendum on how much other people love you, because not only is the data worthless, it’s an easy way to have a miserable day for no reason. 

I’ll be real with you. Unlike the wise and wonderful Madeleine Holden, I am a birthday minimalist. I would no sooner throw a birthday party than I’d voluntarily get my gums scraped at the dentist. I don’t care if the people I love remember my birthday and am equally bad at returning the favour. When it comes to birthdays, I’m mostly in it for the cake.

I don’t think it’s stupid or childish to want a lovely birthday surrounded by friends and family. But I do think you need to set the people you love up for success. First and foremost, that means reminding people it’s happening. Don’t drop hints. Grab a megaphone. Borrow their phone and set a recurring calendar reminder. Plan a party. Make attention-seeking posts on the morning of, soliciting love and attention. Bake your own damn cake. You have to set the tone if you want people to live up to your expectations. I know a few birthday divas, and without exception, they are relentless in their pursuit of birthday satisfaction. They always get what they want because their demands are explicit and their energy is contagious.

This might not seem fair. But I do think it’s the most practical solution to your problem. The goal here isn’t to train people to remember. The goal is to do whatever it takes to have a wonderful day. That’s going to require a little shameless hustling. 

Obviously your question isn’t just about your birthday. Your birthday is symbolic of a bigger loneliness. That’s much harder to address. I’m sorry your friends haven’t been there for you during a difficult time. It’s deeply painful to feel your relationships mean more to you than they do to others, and I hope that one day you find that reciprocity you’re looking for. 

You ask whether you should confront your friends or just make new ones. I don’t think these options are mutually exclusive. There’s nothing wrong with making new friends, especially if you’re feeling lonely. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to jettison the old ones.

It does sound like, in general, you have a lot of people in your life who love and care for you. Setting aside the topic of birthdays, what does a close friendship look like to you? Talking every day? Every week? Every month? Is it the amount of time you spend together or the depth of the conversation? Are you mourning something you used to have or longing for something you’ve never experienced? I’m not saying your loneliness is your problem to solve. But I do think people have wildly different interpretations of what it means to be close.

If you’re constantly feeling like your friendships are lopsided – you’re always the one initiating contact, or you’ve drifted apart and want to find a way to close that distance – I think it’s worth trying to have a deeper conversation with these friends before writing them off. I wouldn’t frame it as feeling “sidelined”, I’d lead with “feeling really lonely” and see whether your friends are able to step up their game. In general I don’t think there’s anything wrong with expressing disappointment if your friends have disappointed you, but I feel like you’ve skipped an important step here, which is asking for their help. 

If you’re the kind of person who is used to caring for others without needing to be asked, the idea of asking for help probably fills you with horror and disgust. You seem like the sort of person who is good at intuiting other people’s needs and simply want a little reciprocity. But clearly this hasn’t been working out for you. It might be time to try a new strategy. 

I want to make it clear that I don’t think you’re in the wrong here. If you’ve been having a rough few years, your friends should have rallied around without prompting. But before you chew them out for their failure, or slowly ghost them, try being vulnerable and asking for a little extra attention and care.

This might not work the way you hope. They might just be shit friends. On the other hand, they might surprise you. But give them a decent chance to disappoint you, before chastising them for letting you down.

Either way, don’t turn your birthday into a referendum on how loved you are. I’m sure your friends care about you and want you to have a special day. So get on the horn and remind them.