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SocietyMay 22, 2025

Help Me Hera: Should I date my polyamorist friend’s girlfriend?

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I have a huge crush on her. Is this going to blow up in my face?

Want Hera’s help? Email your problem to helpme@thespinoff.co.nz

Dear Hera,

One of my (28F) closest friends is in a long-term relationship with his girlfriend. They’ve always been open, and are one of the strongest open relationships I know. Recently, me and his girlfriend have been getting closer, and we hooked up a while ago (with full blessing from my friend).

His girlfriend has told me that she would like to date me more seriously (not gf stuff but regular dates etc). I have a huge crush on her, and if the situation was different, it would be an easy yes. But I keep thinking about all the ways it could go wrong, and how that could lose me a close friend. I’m telling myself I’m going to be firm and shut it down, but then we hang out, and my brain shuts off in favour of a big blob of crush feelings and fantasising.

I really believe that people can date non-monogamously in mature ways that keep everyone’s feelings safe. But I know that while that’s true, it doesn’t mean things can’t get messy for me specifically. I know what I should do (steer clear), and I know what I want you to say (go for it, it’ll be fine!) – so I guess I’m just curious to hear your thoughts…

Thanks,

Poly in theory, petrified in practice

Dear Petrified in Practice,

I can’t, in good conscience, say go for it, it will be fine. But I can say go for it, even if it all goes hideously wrong somehow. 

What I know about polyamory could fit on the back of a complimentary tube of travel toothpaste. But it seems to me like you have good reason to be cautiously optimistic. The fact that your friend and his partner have a strong, established open relationship is a good start. The fact that you’ve already hooked up with this girl, and the world hasn’t imploded is another point in your favour. But the thing which makes me most want to shamelessly egg you on is that you obviously really want this. If that isn’t a good enough reason to try something new, what are we alive for? 

Obviously, there’s potential for mess. But that’s true of any kind of relationship. The best advice I can give you is to do a little soul searching and be scrupulously honest with yourself about the level of confidence you have in your ability to emotionally handle this kind of situation. Be real here. Are you an easily jealous or romantically tortured person? Are you easily able to articulate your feelings and navigate tricky emotional conversations without tying yourself in knots? Have all your previous relationships ended in disaster, or with a lingering mutual respect? Is the basis of your friendship strong, or are there ominous undercurrents of competitiveness which might come back to haunt you? 

A lot of people aren’t built for polyamory. There’s no shame in being an unrepentantly monogamous freak, jealously hoarding love as if it were a rare mineral deposit. If you know from the outset you struggle with jealousy, or are prone to falling catastrophically in love, I definitely wouldn’t pick your close friend’s girlfriend for an open relationship test run. On the other hand, if you feel quietly confident in your ability to casually date someone without it ruining your life, I don’t see the harm in giving it a try. I’m not saying that your self-assessment will prove accurate. But I do think there are some people who will never be comfortable with this kind of arrangement, and if that’s the case, it’s best to save yourself the heartache and disqualify yourself up front. 

If you pass your own rigorous psychological assessment, the next step would be to have a conversation with your friend to make sure they’re OK with this, and discuss expectations and boundaries. As far as I can tell, 85% of polyamory is about having emotionally excruciating conversations, so you’d better get used to it. 

I won’t say anything on the subject of good polyamorous relationship practices, just as I wouldn’t go to a submarine manufacturers convention to try and sell a new type of spigot, without having spent at least several years underwater. I’m sure the comments section will be full of book recommendations and advice for you to follow. Having a grasp of the theory isn’t a bad idea, but there’s nothing like a little old-fashioned trial and error. Sometimes the best way to know if you want to take up scuba diving is to break out the wetsuit and see how it takes you. 

‘He mea tautoko nā ngā mema atawhai. Supported by our generous members.’
Liam Rātana
— Ātea editor

I can’t promise this won’t blow up in your face. But there’s no romantic relationship in which you can guarantee freedom from pain or disaster. Isn’t that the implicit threat behind all love, which adds a little spice to life? Even if your feelings get hurt, or things get complicated, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a friendship ender. I’m tempted to say that if your friend has a happy and strong open relationship, he’s probably someone who values honesty, communication, tolerance and connection to others – in short, not someone likely to cut you out of their life without good reason. Discuss your worries with him, and see what he thinks. 

Only you know the strength of your friendship. But this is one of those rare situations where I can’t see any reason for you not to fuck around and find out.

Good luck!

Keep going!
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SocietyMay 22, 2025

‘Completely avoidable’: inside the efforts to eliminate seclusion in NZ mental health care

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The practice of seclusion has been controversially used in mental healthcare in Aotearoa for years. Three health workers share what’s been working in the efforts to reduce its use to zero.

I was a 16-year-old sweet, innocent, naive country girl in the Wairarapa, living it up and raging and having a good time. Then my boyfriend had a car accident and broke his neck. He ended up in hospital. That had an enormous effect on me as a young girl. I was going to become a nurse and I was going to go and fix everything, him included.

I began working in a large institution in Levin in 1976, working with people with intellectual disabilities and mental illnesses. My whole professional life I’ve worked in healthcare – in frontline work, management, leadership, and consultancy.

Nine years ago I had a mental health event.

It was just an awful experience. Being taken into seclusion is absolutely awful, scary and daunting. No control. You have no control and you know you can’t do anything.

I was mentally unwell and I was very confused, disorientated, lots of thoughts going on. I was quite manic and quite aggressive with it. I was just fighting everything. You just want to fight everything. So you do fight everything.

I grabbed out and I lashed out and then I don’t remember much else. The next thing I remember is sitting on the bed, rocking, and singing to myself.

Years later, I read the observational sheets of myself in seclusion where they wrote that I was rocking and singing, and I cried and cried.

That sense of isolation, that sense of hopelessness, that sense of needing to soothe yourself. All of those sorts of feelings come when I think about it. I can’t stand hearing keys rattling, because that to me is a sign that they’re coming to open the door. You know, they come in teams to open the door to make sure that you don’t attack them.

It’s not a good memory to have. I want to try and stop it from happening to somebody else.

– Jenny Fenwick, 65, registered nurse

Jenny Fenwick’s seclusion event happened roughly around the same time a report (that media called “scathing”) was published by the United Nations Committee against Torture. The report expressed concern at persistent use of seclusion in New Zealand mental health facilities “for the purposes of punishing, disciplining and protecting, as well as for health-related reasons” and recommended we address it. 

Outrage, complaints, and calls for change in use of seclusion in New Zealand have recurred in the media through the years. In 2022, the Ombudsman wrote, “seclusion is a serious intervention with no therapeutic benefit and potentially harmful effects on patients. It concerns me greatly that reducing and eliminating its use seems to be making only slow progress, despite my regular calls for it to be stopped.”

Seclusion also has a racial bias – Māori have historically been more likely to be secluded, something the UN committee notes. In 2017, despite representing only 17% of the population, Māori made up approximately 31% of all people admitted to adult inpatient facilities, and, compounding the inequity, nearly half of the total number of inpatients secluded were Māori.

This is, sadly, in line with other countries around the world who seclude patients too much, and with a racial bias, including Australia and the United Kingdom.

Why are people secluded in the first place? 

A person having an overwhelming mental health crisis is often frightened, confused, distressed or sometimes reliving a past trauma. They may vividly feel they are in imminent danger, trapped, hearing voices no one else can hear. So they behave in a way that makes sense with what they’re experiencing – they may shout, try to run away, lash out at people around them. They’re in survival mode and the world is a threat.

In a busy hospital or mental health unit, staff have to make quick decisions with a highly distressed person at risk of hurting themselves or others. Staff may feel they have no choice but to “seclude” the person if other ways of calming the situation and keeping everyone safe  haven’t worked. This can be a high-stress situation, often involving a team of four trained staff physically restraining a person and placing them into a seclusion room. It’s meant to be a last resort.

But now that distressed person is alone with their distress in a locked, bare room. They may be frightened, confused, or even feel punished for what is happening to them. Many people who have been secluded describe the experience as traumatising, isolating and distressing. Physical and psychological harm to the staff trying to care for them is also well-documented. 

For decades, in some countries, strategies, interventions and consumer movements have attempted to bring down rates of seclusion, with little success in the face of degraded, understaffed, overcrowded facilities and long-established practices in mental health care. Many working in mental health care simply felt, in the face of all these pressures, that reducing rates wasn’t actually possible. 

But very quietly, work in Aotearoa, now published in a peer-reviewed journal, has shown powerful results at last.

Zero seclusion – is it possible?

The good news story of Auckland district shows it is possible. Back in 2010, Auckland district had seven seclusion rooms and seclusion was being used for about 3,000 hours each year. In the last five years Auckland district mental health facilities have achieved 22 months with no seclusion. In the six months to October 2024, Auckland district units were averaging more than 200 inpatients a month, and no one was secluded at all.

This result is part of a national project to eliminate seclusion. Mental health care was added to the priorities of our national quality improvement agency in July 2017. Following the UN report and after a good deal of consultation with health care services and the people that use them, our persistently high rates of seclusion were identified in September 2017 as an important problem to try and fix.

Rigorous data on rates of seclusion were collected in 2018/19 to establish a baseline robust enough to assess whether any improvement had subsequently occurred. At the same time the small national team set about convening mental health teams from across the country, and getting them together with people who’d actually been secluded, along with their families and whānau, to figure out how to bring those rates down. Ultimately, it was decided, the project had to be aspirational. The project itself was named “Zero Seclusion: Safety and Dignity for All”, and the goal was decided, the moonshot: zero.

This new peer-reviewed paper, published in the medical journal Australasian Psychiatry, shows that since that baseline year, the rate of seclusion for all adults admitted to adult, non-forensic inpatient mental health units has been reduced by 33%. This has been maintained since March 2023.

Line graph showing mean monthly seclusion rates (%) for all ethnicities from Sep 2018 to Mar 2024, with control limits and mean indicated. Seclusion rate declines from 6.4% to 4.3% after interventions and change packages are introduced.

Seclusion of Māori patients has been reduced by 39%. 

Line graph showing mean monthly seclusion rate (%) for Māori from Sep 2018 to Mar 2024, with baseline, interventions, and control limits marked. Seclusion rate decreases over time, with key interventions labeled.

Seclusion of non-Māori and non-Pacific peoples has halved.

Line graph showing mean monthly seclusion rates (%) for Non-Māori, non-Pacific from Sep 2018 to Mar 2024, with intervention points marked and a downward trend from 4.0% to 2.3% across the periods.

These data don’t represent everyone: the project focused on acute mental health inpatient units, and adult patients only. The data are aggregated from the whole country and behind them are important nuances. Not all facilities are improving at the same rate as others – six of 19 participating districts were yet to show improvement in seclusion rates. However, one third of our hospitals are at virtually zero, and another third are at around 5% and lowering.

What works in Aotearoa to reduce the use of seclusion

So Auckland district and one-third of all New Zealand hospitals demonstrate zero seclusion is possible. What seems to have been key in improving rates of seclusion was the way solutions were found. In a process known as “co-design”, mental health teams and people, like Jenny, who had been secluded worked together with Māori cultural advice to understand, develop and trial alternatives they thought might help. 

There was leadership from the center with oversight from clinicians, people with lived experience of seclusion, and respected Māori kaumatua, but there was also local freedom to pursue what works with local people. 

New practices – drawing on clinical perspectives, mātauranga Māori approaches, and the experience of people who had been secluded – were implemented and tested in different locations, and local teams measured their results.

These new practices included standardised guidelines for managing acute behavioural disturbance, focused training, cultural support and culturally specific sensory modulation, pōwhiri and welcome into facilities with family if possible, safety huddles and debriefs involving representatives with experience of seclusion, collaboration with police to reduce use of force, involvement of family and whānau at all stages of the inpatient stay, among other strategies. 

If something worked in one region it was shared with others, and all successful practices were collected into a “change package”.

Teams were trained and supported to collect more reliable data on seclusion events, with reassurance that data was being collected and used not as a stick to beat them over bad performance, but as a carrot to show them they could get better.

The fundamental shift was in the thinking: that seclusion, even as a last resort, was not an inevitable outcome, but a completely avoidable occurrence. There has been a culture change, and it has spread, if not completely yet. Seclusion is still occurring, and we still suffer from “postcode variation” in where and how much it has reduced, but progress has been made. Zero seclusion is the goal but there is still a way to go.

What these data don’t show is the awful experience that didn’t happen for individual people all across the country – compounded trauma, shame, and, sometimes, actual physical injury incurring longer hospital stays and all the costs to that person and their family, as well as the system.

‘Help keep The Spinoff funny, smart, tall and handsome – become a member today.’
Gabi Lardies
— Staff writer

Jenny’s story 

Jenny is planning to retire soon. For 14 years she has been working for a mental health facility as a “consumer adviser” – a person with lived experience who helps teams improve their services. As part of this job she works on the Zero Seclusion project, talking to people about their experiences, reviewing and understanding seclusion events and how they might have been avoided, and working on what could be done differently in future.

“It was just a little thing in my life,” says Jenny, “but such a huge thing, you know? But I don’t want it to be a huge thing in my life.”

“Seclusion could happen to anybody under the current law. While this is the law, we need to do everything possible to prevent it or ensure it’s only ever a rare thing,” she says. “I’d like it to be known that people can do an advance directive that could help prevent this from happening to them in the future.” 

An advance health directive is a signed statement that sets out, in advance, treatments people want or do not want if they become unwell in such a way they can’t communicate their preferences at the time. Having an enduring power of attorney (EPOA) can also be a protective factor, she says.

Jenny sings in a band with her husband on guitar. She also plays a big hand drum made from one of their totara trees with a goatskin on top. “I mostly do like to do covers,” she says, and laughs. “I have to admit that I am a bit of a Rod Stewart fan.” But she’s just discovered a new singer-songwriter named Teddy Swims. 

“His last name stands for ‘Someone Who Isn’t Myself Sometimes,’” she says and smiles. “Love it.”

She signs off her emails with a quote from the Dalai Lama: “We can let the circumstances of our lives harden us so that we become increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us, and make us kinder. You always have the choice.”