"The last time anyone made anything like that dish, it was World War I and food was being rationed so our boys on the Western Front could be supplied with the protein they needed."

"Even mussels, those gritty little beard envelopes, leave clams in the dust in the flavour stakes. I don't know how Masterchef NZ became ensconced in the pocket of Big Clam, but I don't bloody like it."

"White has been crafting his telly persona for years, making cooks shake and cry and shout 'YES MARCO' and accept treatment unfit for prisoners of war - just because he's good at making dinner."

"Yeah, you could put a crumb on it, Hayley. It's Masterchef NZ, there's only one rule: when in doubt, add a crumb. Don't think too hard; just crisp something up, sprinkle it on top, and say it's for 'textural contrast'"

"Al whips out a shiny coin and the contestants flip it for heads or tails. Weirdly, nobody asks Mark for his restaurant's financial ledger so we can check if he's spending 70% of his budget on luxury candles"