"Even mussels, those gritty little beard envelopes, leave clams in the dust in the flavour stakes. I don't know how Masterchef NZ became ensconced in the pocket of Big Clam, but I don't bloody like it."
"White has been crafting his telly persona for years, making cooks shake and cry and shout 'YES MARCO' and accept treatment unfit for prisoners of war - just because he's good at making dinner."
"Yeah, you could put a crumb on it, Hayley. It's Masterchef NZ, there's only one rule: when in doubt, add a crumb. Don't think too hard; just crisp something up, sprinkle it on top, and say it's for 'textural contrast'"
"Al whips out a shiny coin and the contestants flip it for heads or tails. Weirdly, nobody asks Mark for his restaurant's financial ledger so we can check if he's spending 70% of his budget on luxury candles"
"Mystery Box reveals are always a little disappointing for me because they hardly ever contain live weasels, 500 small crabs in a burlap sack, or a freshly whelped human infant."
"It seems clear to me that the producers have set this up because they don't like the judges and want to see them eating fish heads, eel spleen and squid beaks, which I fully support."
"Masterchef would be great set to a backing track of the Benny Hill theme. Or just a live-recorded compilation of every anxiety fart on set" – Eleanor Robertson on week two of Masterchef.
Australian food television connoisseur and disappointment addict Eleanor Robertson recaps TV3's competitive cooking show, Masterchef New Zealand each week.