After a kiss-fueled week three on The Bachelor NZ, Alex Casey delivers her third power rankings in our weekly series. If you missed week two, head here.
What a week. The walls are coming down, the padlocks are unlocking, the closed books are being pried open. No metaphor left behind. I actually believe that some girls are starting to fall for Art. Between the fake clay shooting, uncomfortable photoshoots and stagey museum foyer dining, there are some real feelings involved. How do I know? BECAUSE OF KISSING.
Oh my god, the kissing. We have opened the kissing gates and the tsunami of smooches is slowly swallowing up The Bachelor. I’m stoked. We had lawn kissing, bridal kissing, open mouth kissing, foot pop kissing. Thank goodness Shivvy got booted when she did, kiss o’clock is truly coming for one and all.
Romance aside, I’m getting increasingly concerned about Art’s entrapment on a chilly beach at dawn, wearing nothing but a singlet and some boardies. We’ve seen him aimlessly running up and down in almost every episode now, a desperate nomad straight out of some hellish Groundhog Day meets Castaway scene.
But for all the running, we also got to see another side to Art this week. A glasses-y side.
Anyway, who cares about Art really. Let’s zipline through the Bachelorettes this week.
1. (LW: 3) Dani
Dani got the single Waiheke date, where she got to go zip-lining, listen to Art babble on about Lancewood, and play a fun-looking game called “Push Me Off the Log”. But all that pales in comparison to the first kiss of the season, pre-empted by Art meekly asking her “can I kiss you?”
I rate the kiss pretty highly, it featured passionate neck touching and a humungous watch. A great start.
But the kissing was nay to stop there for Dani. After winning the bridal shoot with Art, the vaguely spanish photographer egged them on for a kiss shot. They obliged, going in full open-mouth and looking like what I imagine a muppet make-out looks like:
2. (LW: 4) Chrystal
Chrystal got a single date, did a bad booty dance and, Steve Broad style, flubbed the Good Will Hunting line.
But, like most things she does, it didn’t make any difference to the fact that she is drop dead gorgeous and Art has the ultimate horn for her. That’s not going to change and I reckon we’ll see Chrystal go very, very far. She was blessed to visit the great-smelling fish market and make sushi with Art, despite not knowing how to tie her own apron.
The sushi making was followed by a tense museum foyer date. I mean, the museum is beautiful and all, but you can take some St Pierre’s up there anytime and kick back free of charge. You don’t even need proof of address to sit in the foyer. They ate the sushi, and things were a little tense, I suspect Art’s Paleo insides were reacting badly to the rice overload:
And then of course, the kiss. The swoopy, expertly directed kiss ft. the line of the season thus far:
3. (LW: 1) Poppy
Didn’t see a huge amount of Poppy this week, but it was made clear that her much-touted jealous side is slowly coming out. We know this because they used heaps of knife-sharpening effects whenever she was onscreen. But I think a low-key crucial moment for Poppy went down during the cocktail party boycott. Art whisked her aside to whisper-ask her “do you think I am the right sort of person for you?” which makes me think she hasn’t quite left his handsome head yet.
Talking of heads, what was going on with this extremely elaborate brioche braid?
Poppy is in this for the long haul, and it’s going to be so much fun:
4. (LW: 2) Matilda
Matilda had more a dud week than her usual, but I really respect that she said “I’m going to climb him like a tree” at the cocktail party. A Lancewood tree, I would hope. Early botanists believed they were actually two different types of tree (A. Green, 2015). She’s been a little whiney this week, and seemingly cried to her Mum at one point.
I don’t know, if her weird strongman pose is anything to go by, she’s still a pretty strong contender for the final five.
5. (LW: 10) Natalie
Natalie had a huge revelatory moment, where she opened up about how she never opens up. Art was bloody floored by it, but the only information I deduced from the spiel was that she is a big fan of Wilson from Home Improvement:
6. (LW: 8) Alysha
Alysha got “snagged” (Art’s favourite word) this week during the cocktail party, and layered on that Invercargill mystique nice and heavy. She wants Art to prove himself to her, and win her heart over before she properly opens up. It’s a good powerplay, and she even made Art hold her hand. Normally this would have made headlines, but after the kissing rampage it’s a bit Shivani for my taste.
7. (LW: 7) Amanda
Amanda was absolutely nowhere this week, but I still can’t quite move her down. She seems to get along with all of the girls, and managed to steal Art away despite his inexplicable thirst for Danielle B. She was also one of the stand-out uncomfortable folk at the Winter Gardens fashion show:
8. (LW: 5) Carissa
All Carissa did this week was be second-best at shooting the laser thing and wear a weird wetsuit bra in the lounge:
9. (LW: 6) Kristie
“Her family has a lot of guns,” warned Matilda before the clay shooting date. I don’t doubt it. Kristie remains crazy competitive, and her aviator-gun combo was sight to behold. If The Bachelor NZ doesn’t work out, I feel like some sort of Outdoors With Kristie could work just fine. She could pull the trigger whilst Rosie skips through the gunfire
10. (LW: 13) Danielle B
I don’t know what’s happening here. I have never been more wrong about anything than I have re: Danielle B. Art gave her an early rose, and two separate visits at the cocktail party. Why. What. Who. Where. I guess it was cool when she nailed Chrystal for sitting by herself:
But honestly, what’s the story here.
11. (LW: 11) Brigette
After all this attention on Danielle B, I fear for Brigette. Wear a huge bow all you like but, as she said during the group date, “I need a miracle”. Yes you do Bridgo.
Mark from the Sushi Masterclass:
Shivvy getting smacked in the head with a box:
The Bachelor NZ airs Tuesdays at 8.30pm and Wednesdays at 7.30pm on TV3
The Bulletin is The Spinoff’s acclaimed daily digest of New Zealand’s most important stories, delivered directly to your inbox each morning.