Tara Ward brings you her rankings for Shortland Street last week, including Vinnie’s fridge swear and Leanne’s fixation with workplace exercise.
1) Leanne ponchos above her weight
Nothing will stop Leanne in her quest to reach 10,000 steps a day, other than her complete inability to reach 10,000 steps a day. Jogging on the spot, running in reception, tap dancing in the toilets – Leanne is a hypertensive heroine desperate to climb her own exercise Everest, but is forever trapped at Base Camp due to inappropriate active-wear.
If ponchos don’t come back into style after Leanne’s exotic endorsement, then I’ll eat my sombrero. In the immortal words of our administrative doyenne: “suck on that, Nicole!”
2) Vinnie realises it was a mistake to let Michael loose with the fridge magnets
3) Finally, Victoria makes an announcement
Hold the phone, halt the bus, stop the clocks. We have a confession, I repeat, we have a confession. With D.I. Foster busy growing a moustache to rival Magnum P.I.’s, it was up to Mo to extract the truth from his nutjob ex-girlfriend. He squeezed and squeezed until Victoria popped like a sachet of truth-flavoured yoghurt, spewing her rotten innards all over Mo’s living room.
Victoria clenched her jaw and waved her trigger-happy fingers about like a drunk flight attendant struggling to locate her nearest exit. She admitted she shot Drew, mostly because Drew was a misogynistic pig, but also because the glint off his forehead gave her a migraine. Suck on that, Mo!
4) Boyd escapes from…probably nothing
Boyd’s paranoia ramped up about fifteen megapixels this week, or whatever unit they use in medical science to indicate a sharp increase in suspicion and mistrust. “Did you hear that? It’s someone outside!” Boyd babbled, wondering why people were in the hospital, many of them sick and bleeding.
Why can’t Boyd be left alone to play with his polymer insert in peace? He was last seen in a disused car park, heading for the solitude of a mangrove swamp. Pray for Boyd. He is pale, and should not be left unsupervised.
5) Jack comes up with the goods
Some people might suggest that scrounging through a biological waste bin is stupid and dangerous. Luckily, Jack is a Hannah, a family with a proud history of making dumb decisions. Jack leapt into a giant barrel of bloody syringes in search of Curtis’ innocence, and surfaced with an unopened packet of cotton buds and a bag full of Drew’s old blood. Suck on that, Victoria!
6) Harper is a surgical soothsayer
Harper’s ‘Mummy Finger’ deduced Victoria was Drew’s shooter. See, D.I. Foster? That’s how it’s done: point, think, and arrest. This crime could have been solved months ago if only Harper’s index finger had been more empowered.
“She’s mad as a meataxe,” Harper declared, and never a truer word has been spoken. Look up ‘meataxe’ in the dictionary and you’ll find Victoria, lying prone under a sweaty pile of pleather handbags. Harper, how you get so smart?
7) Vinnie, because we don’t see enough sweaty armpits on Shortland Street
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The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.