Zoe Scheltema spends a whole day of her life living like Kim Kardashian, recreating everything from her limited dietary options to her stringent selfie regimen.
If you haven’t heard of Kim Kardashian, you are surely living under the largest and most immovable rock on planet Earth.
Kim Kardashian is a powerhouse of fashion, beauty and reality TV. She is undoubtedly one of the most famous people on earth. Her family is entrepreneurial like no other, and she can sell just about anything via her Instagram which has over 60 million followers.
Her life, and what she gets up to on a day to day basis, is an area of great intrigue for many. I’ve always held a fascination with Kim, I love her because she’s funny in Keeping up with the Kardashians, but I equally don’t understand her because she didn’t really do anything to get famous apart from a make sex tape.
Well, I too, haven’t really done anything, including a sex tape, so I thought I would take a walk in Kim’s shoes for the day and see what it’s really like to follow her regime (as told to Harper’s Bazaar).
6.00am – Kim gets up at this time everyday. So I too set my alarm for 6am in anticipation of the day of 100 selfies.
I’m tired, I’m grumpy, and I haven’t been awake this early for a very, very long time. Judging by this selfie however, Kim is bright eyed and bushy tailed in the mornings. I don’t look like this.
The first thing she does when she wakes up is reach for her phone. We are so alike at this point it is actually blowing my mind.
I have a single email about spicing up my Valentine’s from some ‘Learn a Language’ website, meanwhile Kim’s phone is probably doing something akin to this.
6.15am – This is the part I was dreading: doing a bloody workout. Kim says she likes to go for a run “along the horsetrails of her gated community.”
I’m going to have to settle for “a slow walk past the Indian restaurants along Sandringham Road.”
Still, it’s all relative.
Kim works out for hours a day. I suppose she does have the scrutiny of the world on her, and I can’t help but think that that might be the greatest motivation of all time. I don’t have that, so I stop.
8.00am – it’s time to eat! My fave part of the morning tbh. The options I have to choose from Kim’s menu are scrambled eggs or oatmeal, aka the two most boring breakfast options to ever grace this earth.
I compromise and make a lovely crepe. It’s pretty much scrambled eggs except that it also has flour and milk in it, which are two things that are absolutely fine.
10.00am – Getting ready time, the most important part of the day. Admittedly I do not have to go to photo shoots, film anything or be photographed by paparazzi everywhere I go, but there are some hot builders next door and that’s as good an excuse as any to make myself look red carpet ready.
I’m a one man show, without access to her “team” or makeup, hair and wardrobe people, but I do have a large makeup collection and plenty of inspiration photos to choose from. I go for a lovely smokey eye, red lip combination like this.
11.00am – Kim is regarded as the ‘selfie queen’ of our generation. She has a book called Selfish that documents all her selfies. It’s really quite groundbreaking.
It makes sense that I should take a selfie of myself to seal into history, what I look like on this day. My thorough and intensive research has revealed that Kim actually likes to use an app called Perfect 365 to edit her selfies. So of course, that’s what I do too.
This is, hands down, the most embarrassing photo of myself to ever see the light of day, and I once had my Facebook profile set to a photo of me pretending to drink out of a cat bowl for a long time.
The app though, is pretty great. My eyes are brighter, my lips are bigger and my nose is more defined. It’s all smoke and mirrors. It’s also pretty fun because you can do this:
She’s elegance, she’s grace, she’s Miss United States.
12.00pm – “When I’m not filming I’m usually in meetings. Once a week we have a design meeting at Sears and that’s always three hours.”
I’m not about to pretend that I have a three hour design meeting that will take up most of my day. I will however, freely admit that I am still trying to take a damn selfie. It’s so much harder than it looks! Seriously, I do not recommend looking at your face too much because you will not like it by the end of the day.
I don’t normally do duck face. Please, everyone forgive me immediately.
2.00pm – “I can’t live without talking to my family, we’re on group chats every day.”
Inspired by Kim’s close knit relationship with her family, I send my mum a quick message.
She did not reply. All good Mum, didn’t even want to anyway.
3.00pm – It’s at this point in the day that Kim gets her sweet tooth fix.
“ I used to drink a ton of iced tea, but I’ve cut back. I had the craziest addiction to Equal – I’d put 10 Equals in every iced tea.”
Lucky for me, I went to a film screening at 3pm and they had the means to give me that sweet fix in the form of champagne and ice cream. Kim admits she loves a Haagen Dazs. The similarities between us just will not stop!
7.00pm – Food time again! This is great news. Fish and vegetables are the order of the day.
Unlike Kim I do not have a personal chef, but I do have My Food Bag created by the lord and savior herself, Nadia Lim. This is probably as close as I will ever come. Tonight it’s sesame crusted fish with roast vegetable salad. Eat your heart out Kimmy.
9.00pm – “I love searching eBay; I sell shoes and clothes on eBay all the time, so I’ll check my auctions and answer user questions.”
Back up just a second. Kim Kardashian casually sells her stuff on Ebay?! Where I could potentially buy it? What on God’s green earth is her username?
This seems absurd but, lo and behold, I have a pair of shoes for sale online. I check my auctions, but they’re not going so well. Maybe I will change my username to KimK001 to trick people into thinking it’s her and therefore rake in all the bids.
11.00pm – “I go to bed around 10, 11 at the latest. I always fall right to sleep. I’m usually so tired, I just pass out. “
And who could blame her, it was a day full of stress (from the selfies), not very exciting food (except the unauthorized ice cream) and I’m still reeling from the shocked double take the man at the post office did in regards to my heavy duty makeup.
Kim’s got to do it all again tomorrow, but I for one, will be sleeping in.
The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.