Your daily rolling recap of Come Dine With Me NZ, serving up piping hot takes on New Zealand’s greatest social experiment.
Welcome to Come Dine With Me Daily, The Spinoff’s hub for all things Come Dine With Me NZ.We’ll be updating this post throughout the week as the show plays out, providing you with a denser dining experience than Eds’ rock hard banoffee pie.
Seen something weird on the show that you’d like to see included? Tweet @TheSpinoffTV and we’ll add your flavourful contributions into this simmering recap stew.
Week Six – Day Five
Di the fisherwoman is our host tonight, promising to spread her winning spoils to various charities. Spoiler alert: she doesn’t win. Post spraytan, Dale is taking some time to reflect upon his week of wonders. He thinks they have all become the best of friends over the past few days, reinforced by Kimberley who pops a friendship popper right between his friendly eyes. Anyway, Di’s burnt garlic bread should put that friendship to the test:
Now, for the sickest part of the night – the bedroom trawl. We find out that Di is an anarchic bikie chick, and a big-time Christmas-themed g-string wearer. Festive. Is Di Mrs Claus? Sick.
Di’s incredible beef roulade was wheeled out to an unwelcome rendition of ‘Meat Meat Meat Meat’. Kimberley also debuted her first solo single, ‘Burp’ in an intimate performance with Dale
The group got their own back before dessert with the ultimate fake-snake revenge on Kimberley. She csreamed and screamed, but not as much as me when I saw this goddamn quiz master come out of nowhere
One sticky date pudding later and we are faced with the results. Di bombs in last place, Keita and Nayfe tie for second and Dale and Kimberley split the winnings. An appropriately even-handed ending for a group that have clearly become the very best of friends in the whole entire CDWMNZ world.
Week Six – Day Four
Finally we are at Keita’s protein palace in Brown’s Bay for some actually delicious looking food. Flash fried prawns! Salmon! Bacon! Protein shots! Ah hold on a minute someone’s pissed on the carpet:
Between courses, Di had some very heavy musings on the nature of ageing and our ultimate and universal descent towards death. She talked about menopause, not being able to “keep it up” anymore (strapless dresses) and dropped this bomb halfway through the bacon-wrapped fish:
To avoid collapsing under the weight of their own mortality, Dale and Kimberley decided to delve into Keita’s bronzer. No no no no Dale. No. We’ve talked about this.
With Dale now sufficiently problematic in skin colour, it was time for protein shakes, talk of pig rectums and an enormous hunk of “sticky icky” cake. Wash it all down with some very dodgy innuendo, and you’ve got the perfectly carved Come Dine With Me NZ episode. / AC
Week Five – Day Three
Last night we were all invited into Kimberly’s meat cavern to dine on drunken lamb and salted milky pork, in a blood-drenched meal which looked extremely delicious. She ended up tying with Dale, which was an Arthur Allan Thomas-level miscarriage of justice, because Kimberly was a boss host, and should have won the week.
Kimberly made a pork belly entree, and used the word ‘jus’ unironically, which I didn’t think was possible post-Speed Cooking. Nayfe described her as “very Martha Stewart slash that Scooby Doo dog lady”, which is about right. He also aggressively hit on her over and over which was both funny and probably not something that should be allowed to happen in our semi-civilised society. In a potentially related incident, Keita brought out her old friend ‘knife’ for a wee chat.
Kimberly’s theme was rural, and no one quite knew what to do with it. Keita bought a toy dog or something? Ponsonby is not a particularly rural location, and despite her pretensions, Kimberly’s full on townie – she even has a blog!
Not content with cooking all the meat and being really cool, Kimberly also had two activities for the evening. The first was her frankly terrifying ‘luncheon mask’ series, which Dale won by making a Hannibal Lecter mask out of meat. That might be more terrifying than anything in Silence of the Lambs, come to think of it.
Then she brought in the clown, which she thought was hilarious, while everyone else essentially didn’t.
Particularly Nayfe, who was desperately trying to pretend that he didn’t see It as an eight-year-old and wasn’t scared out of his mind. To be fair, the clown was extremely clownish (and maybe French? I feel like that makes it worse, somehow) and was all about breaking the internet. Di didn’t not notice: “I thought he had a really nice butt,” she said earnestly. “And he showed it off lots of times.”
It was a wonderful night, and will be extremely tough for Keita to beat with three courses of protein shakes, or Di with punch served from an outdoor toilet bowl. / DG
Week Five – Day Two
As sure as the sun will rise, one flirtatious Come Dine scamp will promise a “mouth orgasm” every week. Last week it came from the Outrageous Queen of Spice Prabha, this week’s perp is the Pacific Pimp Nayfe. “I will meaten her up” he says of Kimberly, gently peppering his main course of sexual comment stew. What do you reckon Keita?
Nayfe has also got his eye on Di for some reason, hoping she will be “serenaded by the island beats – and then we’re off to Hobsonville” Phwoar, with sexy banter like this – let bloody Hobsonville come to you mates!
With all the guests seated and an entrée on the way, it almost felt like there had been too long without someone saying something sexual.
After some distastrous fish ice-cream, the team took to the dance floor for some cultural delights. And Dale whipped out his best Dirk impression.
With the main meals crawling across the plains from Hobsonville, the diners get down to business with a serious game of “who is what animal”. The perfect game for revealing how little the players know about not only the animal kingdom, but each other.
The group concluded that Dale was like a Meerkat – “perky, awake and likes to go at it”. I hope “it” is either sitting at a sad computer or dancing like Dirk and nothing else. The final task of the evening was clear: getting everyone to touch their nose with their lips. I think Kimberly summed it up proceedings best when she said “that looks like a cat’s bum”. / AC
Week Five – Day One
This show just doesn’t let up. Every week you assume we must have exhausted our supply of A++ weirdoes, every week there’s a fresh crop, even more heroically odd than the last. First to host is Dale, a 45-year-old executive recruiter and coffee fan from Mt Eden. I know, I know, it sounds shit. And he did give us easily the most harrowing shot of the series so far:
We all live that hell, every day. We don’t want it on our TVs. On the plus side, he does have a lifesize bust of his wife’s bust on prominent display:
That’s Kimberly, trying it on for size, with pineapples preserving her/Dale’s wife’s modesty. Why pineapples? Why the hell not, Come Dine With Me NZ seems to ask at every opportunity. She constantly describes herself as ‘meatlicious’. She calls chicken ‘white death’. She calls herself ‘butcher barbie’, and wants to wear a bacon g-string. I think she was raised in a Hawkes Bay slaughterhouse or something. She is magical. But she is not the best diner this week.
Keita is out of this world. Bodybuilder? Check. Bejewelled bra-as-outerwear? Check. Amazing Xena impressions? Check. She really leaves her mark.
“There’s a bit of B.T. – bum tan – going on”. Yes there was. Keita is bright orange, but not naturally so. We also met Nayfe, who is an omnisexual actor-turns-sanga (Guy Williams sang some T-Pain this week, it’s on the brain), and Di, a wine taster in her sixties who says “the world’s too PC”, describes herself as “on the mad-to-crazy side” and has some intriguing garden accessories.
Honestly, these guys are just the best. I want to eat while watching them eat forever. We’ll be back with more updates every day this week. / DG
Go catch up on the truly exceptional Come Dine With Me here.