Alex Casey delivers her fourth power rankings for winter wonderland week of Dancing With the Stars, wherein hell freezes over, Pam gets eliminated and Teuila does the running man.
The power rankings are a little late this week, as I have been very busy rocking gently in a corner, despairingly imagining the next few weeks of my life in a Pam-less danciverse. I’m shocked. I’m shattered. I’m hurt. If you can’t tell by now, Pam was sent packing last night. The winter wonderland became a hateful hellscape before my very eyes – snow melting into acid waste, Candy’s chandelier earrings morphing into little machine guns, Simon Barnett’s hair growing into angry spears. The nights are about to get a whole lot longer and colder without our absolute crack-up flame-haired everywoman. I salute you Pam.
Let us paste on some smiles as we trudge on, dancing and ranking all the way to the final until our feet bleed and our knees shatter a la Simon.
1) Shane Cameron
Shane is the best. In the pre-roll Nerida took him shoe shopping, where he was understandably uncomfortable because shopping is a girl thing and, as well know, being a girl is bad news. He reclaimed his now tattered masculinity through punching the crap out of superstition’s ass during his brave open-umbrella-inside-routine. I also think Shane is doing amazing things for ‘the thumbs up’ as a gesture. He does it at least three times an episode, even when Dom asked him to wave his Mum he did a bloody thumbs up. Oh god, maybe his bones have fused that way after years of punching? A dark turn.
2) Simon Barnett
Here’s something I never thought I would say: I’m in love with Si from Si and Gary. His slow boogie to ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’ was swoopy and romantic and he looked like a chilled out beachy version of Gene Kelly. As a side note though, I will continue raise awareness of just how gross the lyrics to that Christmas classic are. I have highlighted all my areas of concern:
3) Siobhan Marshall
Before Siobhan and Charlie unleashed the most pitch perfect Frozen homage of all time, they had the world’s dowdiest Bring Your Star to Work Day. In the light of day, old Billington shuffles bills at an accountancy firm. Take along one celebrity, and you’ve got a better office-based documentary than anything Ricky Gervais could ever have dreamed of:
The pair then did a beautiful slow boogie to ‘Let it Go’ from Frozen, which seems illegal as Siobhan is already a princess with humongous eyes without the feem toon. She did a wonderful, graceful job start to finish, even scattering some sort of powdered substance across the d-floor like a beautiful terrorist.
4) Chrystal Chenery
I will not blink if Chrystal gets at least a guest part on Shortland Street after her bloody acting class stint this week. Under the strict tutelage of Sam Aleni, Chrystal’s performance was the biggest car crash since T.P’s (RIP 1994).
For her performance, she wrapped herself in pipecleaners and did a slow Viennese boogie to ‘Kiss From a Rose’. As we’ve seen, she won’t be kissing a single rose until it opens its rose petal mouth. When will they stop these subtle neggy rose motifs haunting poor Chrystal? Or pestering her about not being sweaty enough?
5) Jay Jay Harvey
The scandal queenie did a fast boogie to ‘Set Fire to the Rain’ this week. But that wasn’t the highlight for me, I much preferred watching her cool Mum do some fancy rock n’ roll dancing whilst their bemused Yorkie watched on.
Is this the best lurking dog of the series? Or does Siobhan’s take the biscuits? I can’t wait to see what other pooches are in store.
6) Ben Barrington
Jar of hearts? More like jar of absolute farts. I’m sorry, maybe that’s too harsh. I don’t like that song, which may have contributed to some of my anger here. Some might say that Ben should have gone before Pam. Some might say they are confused as to who is voting for him. Some might say they are pretty convinced he does almost nothing week to week whilst Krystal uses her ever-growing hair to disguise his stillness. Some might say many things.
7) Teuila Blakely
Nope to the New Zealand fern sweat band.
Nope to this dance move.
Nope to anything that encourages Dom to encourage anyone to do an encore of the ‘Running Man’
If you want more Dancing With the Stars coverage, and I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t, listen to the fourth episode of our podcast below:
The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.