Alex Casey is a human adult woman who reads the news. Every week she’ll report back on what she sees. This week: men’s quotes, Crusher coverage and the real reason women should be grumpy.

MONDAY

Ah, a new week. The great thing about December is that you start to see end of year wrap ups, and get a real sense of how 2015 will be remembered. Or should I say, how things will be chosen to be remembered.

Yep, the 2015 nominees for NZ Quote of the year are 100% male. And it’s shite. While we’re on the topic of feel good quotes, here’s a stonker from old mate Fury.

Something else I noticed today was the way in which both Judith Collins and Julie Christie have been weirdly framed. Collins is never far from a ‘Crusher’ headline speaking of her ambition and hunger for power (which, as Guy Williams pointed out are both very bog standard traits for all politicians). Likewise, Julie Christie always seems gets this sort of weird witch-hunting mythology around her. I’ve never seen any headlines talking about Mark Weldon being the twisted Saruman of MediaWorks Mordor, I wonder why that is? Outside of evil women witches, there’s some coverage about an average mother’s day featuring a mum with a pained smile holding her child along with a briefcase spilling out papers. Try as I might, I couldn’t find an equivalent story for fathers.

Oh! I nearly forgot this hilarious gaffe!

An Argentinian man joining the Brumbies from Germany was held up after someone accidentally circled ‘Female’ on his visa application. This is a hilarious gaffe because rugby isn’t for women! Welcome to our wonderful world Tomas, forget about rugby and read some literature on cellulite real quick.

TUESDAY

Far out, took me ages to get to work today. Kept bumping into things, walking onto on ramps and forgetting where I was going. I wonder why.

I got so lost on my journey to work without a man holding my hand that I managed to forget that it was ‘bikini season’ or, what everyone on Earth calls it, Summer. This is an extra special time of year, when we must listen to a lot of very thin, very tanned people tell us that our bodies aren’t quite up to scratch. Men are frolicking around in board shorts, Dad bods getting raucously rounds of applause from a studio audience. Women are tucked away under a sarong, using an abacus and a crystal tied to a piece of string, still trying to receive the cosmic signal that they are indeed ‘bikini ready’.

Tash’s top bikini tip is “work out, eat right, live a balanced lifestyle and then rock what you’ve got!” First of all, that’s four tips. Second of all, I’m totally fucked. “The bikini is about having fun” she taunts. Where the f did I put my sarong?! There’s nothing fun about this, I need a good cry and a drink.

Thank god. Just having a wee check in with sports before I go and do some futile crunches. Any women chilling back here? Nope? Good to see the poo machine made it though:

WEDNESDAY

Woah, did everyone know that Zoe Bell is in The Hateful Eight? Shit she’s so awesome! What an achievement. I want to know everything about her all the time, how she went from stunt work to acting, what her sickest stunts have been, how she finds working in Hollywood… BUT MOSTLY I WANT TO KNOW WHO SHE CUDDLED UP TO ON THE RED CARPET PLEASE AND THANK YOU SIR.

Aside from this breaking Magic Mike news, the world section finally stepped it up a notch with not one but TWO leading stories about women.

Amazing how women can go from invisible to extreme real quick.

THURSDAY

Let’s kick off with the stock image and story of the week.

Hmm, have we ever considered looking at the REAL reason women might be grumpy, rather than just assuring them that they have many, many decades of luxe grumpiness left? Have we ever considered *gasp* that it could be tat like this?

Truly, I have never been more bored by anything than I am of the ‘grumpy woman’ stereotype. Good to know that my furrowed brow at this story isn’t going to send me into an early grave though, because I clearly have so much to live for. At least for another five or so years until I need listicles to affirm my every birthday celebration.

Is the answer “because you are yet to become a craggy stock image old woman in a story about grumpy women but, to be honest, you’re well on your way”? So we’ve covered age, we’ve covered grumpiness, but have we covered food yet?

The answer was McDonald’s. If you think that’s shocking, You Won’t Believe What Haircut Happened Next:

FRIDAY

I’m getting a lot of mixed messages today. First there’s this, literally stating that the professional gender gap has now officially closed via one awards ceremony.

But then I get told to clutch my rosary and save my pennies, because I’ll be out on my ass at 50 like this sad matron on a bench.

Meanwhile, there’s a crushing fear for men. Some of them, despite getting that sweet 11.8% pay bonus just for being, are somehow becoming too attractive for promotions. We’re all sitting out here on the sad bench, playing 100 tiny violins for you bros.

The other buzz topic of the day spawns from this, a complaint made to a hairdressing salon in Auckland for using a thin model to show off a bad hair cut (seriously, if anyone wants that haircut I have a wig that I bought to be Garth from Wayne’s World that looks just like it). Anyway, people were split between being mad about it being there, and mad about people being mad it about it being there.

Personally, I don’t care that Danielle is probably completely healthy and naturally thin. My concern lies with the wider context. Not only that her full body needs to be used to show off a hairdo for whatever reason, but mostly that these images feed into a much wider and dangerous pressure on women. We are told how to look at what to eat at almost every juncture of our lives, here are some other stories from today that all tie into the same nasty rat king.

The only thing missing at this stage is “your five step funeral diet for tight corpse glutes”.