Emily Writes travels to the future to file the first news report on Meghan and Harry’s forthcoming tour of New Zealand.
Queen Princess Meghorn United Kingdom Duchess and a small red haired man landed in New Zealand, Aotearoa, Middle Earth, today to huge fanfare. Dozens of royal enthusiasts lined the street holding celebratory buckets of deep fried cheese rolls to share with the princely couple.
Duchess Magayn was extremely pregnant and wore a loose dress very pregnantly to hide her pregnant belly, which was indeed with child. Though the slightly more attractive of the prince brothers didn’t touch his wife’s stomach, surely indicating there is trouble in paradise, he did nod happily when asked “Is your wife pregnant?”
He was then asked by a crowd of eager journalists as he came down the stairs of the plane “Do you like New Zealand? Do you love it? Do you love us very much?”
He grinned widely, as did she (but in a very motherly way) and said “Yes! Yes! Tally-Ho! Lord of the Rings! The All Blacks! Wot Wot Cuppa Tea!”
A lip-reader hired by the Daily Mail explained that he then whispered “Death to the Monarchy” into his wife’s ear and she in turn said “Heil Satan” while wearing a delightful Trelise Cooper number which was very slim fitting around her very pregnant waist but with a very subtle 128 layer tutu jorts combination.
First Man Clarke Gayford presented the future King and Queen with a giant snapper.
The fascinating tour continued into Wellington Airport where the lip reader noticed the robust with child royal whisper “why is there a fucking giant eagle hanging from the roof” and the Ginger Lord of our Nation whispered back “It’s cultural”.
At a stand-up press conference a few metres from their last stand-up press conference the married, pregnant couple were asked how they were enjoying their trip to New Zealand.
They both agreed New Zealand was very nice. Allowing us all a wonderful headline “UK VERY MUCH LIKES OUR COUNTRY!”
The commoner princess bride Megelrm wore a pleated pregnant mu-mu by Project Runway NZ designers Misty, Caitlin and Peni.
A group of small children from the local kindergarten were herded into the airport for photo opportunities with the royals. The children were delighted by the presence of the abundant princess and whoever she was with. “I’m hungry,” one said. Another said “I need to poo”. The underpaid teachers rejoiced in trying to control multiple children while holding permission slips for photos from parents.
The gestating duchess smiled as if she was already a mother, thus reaching her societal expectation as mandated by royal decree.
“Do you like the children? Do you like our New Zealand children?” The duch and expectant baby carrier were asked.
“I assuredly do!” the newly tiara-ed incubator, teeming with foetus, declared.
“Will you play with our baby? Our prime minister had a baby too!” a reporter declared, close to tears.
The fecund normal-turned-blue blood smiled and went to answer but before she could a large terrified tuatara was handed to her.
“We have many of these,” Winston Peters shouted, causing the tuatara to lose its bowels all over the proliferate princess. “You can have mine.”
“Why thank you,” the fertile empress murmured fruitfully.
The couple, THREE if you include the baby, not yet born, just a tiny future world leader, were then escorted away by their New Zealand handler who explained their itinerary: a trip to Zealandia where they would be given further tuataras followed by a triples spa with Peter Jackson.
The Generating Gentlewoman would later change into a pair of jeans with a rubber band around the top button and a t-shirt that said “You can’t beat Wellington on a good day” with a picture of Mayor Justin Lester’s smiling face on the back.
As they left the airport, engaging in a press conference in the back of their Kiwi Cab, the prince of London Bridge was both delightful and hilarious. And also charming and funny. He was very cheeky and also a bit naughty. And very much liked New Zealand.
“Your trees are just like ours!” he said delightfully, charmed by our wonderful and prosperous country.
As he said so a couple wearing William and Kate knitted jerseys jumped clear through the window of the town car, spraying glass across the expecting couple. They presented them with congratulatory flowers.
“We don’t like you as much as the other two – but here,” they said, shoving the flowers into the faces of the fructiferous threesome (if you include the unborn baby and we always will).
“Why thank you!” they said.
Afterward the hysterical fans were interviewed by local media.
“One thing I do know is that while my moment was brief, it was genuinely powerful. He made a clear and specific note to make eye contact and had a firm handshake – and as I say, he had surprisingly big hands. Thick, with large fingers and importantly, they weren’t clammy.”
The pregnant princess continued to pregnantly travel around the country quite pregnant carrying a bag full of quite feral tuatara.
The Bulletin is The Spinoff’s acclaimed, free daily curated digest of literally nothing but news about the royals, delivered directly to your inbox each morning.
The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.