Some great news came through yesterday: John Campbell is going to Samoa to play rugby. In anticipation of the big match The Spinoff’s leading rugby expert has picked John Campbell’s Rugby Team XV for their first ever test match against Samoa.

1 Duncan Garner
Like his front row teammates, Garner has proven he can more than hold his own in a (media) scrum.

2 Patrick Gower
A hooker needs to be able to keep the opposition in the dark with cryptic calls at lineout time.

3 Wendy Petrie
We’re going to need a bit of biff in the front row and Petrie’s fist pump is one of the best in the game.

4 Guy Williams
At 7 foot 2 inches Williams is New Zealand’s tallest ever broadcaster. Like his cousin, former All Black lock Ali, his jokes and horseplay are sure to get under the opposition’s skin.

5 Carol Hirschfeld (c)
‘Hard Yards Hirschfeld’ is the captain of John Campbell’s Rugby Team, always has been and always will.

6 Mike Puru
If Puru is half as attached to the ball as he was to Art Green he’ll be the greatest number six the world has ever seen.

7 Kelvin Cruickshank
They say the secret to Richie McCaw’s success is his ability to ‘read the game’, but imagine how good he’d be if he was fully psychic?

8 John Campbell
Tirelessly digging in at the back of the scrum, encouraging everyone with “bloody good job!” and “marvellous pass!” all game, including the other team.

9 Jay-Jay Harvey
Just constantly slapping people on their butts at the scrum and screaming “it wasn’t meant to be offensive!” every time the ref penalises her.

10 Hillary Barry (c)
Fan favourite. Keeps the whole team running smoothly from kickoff til the 80th minute.

11 Suzy Cato
Just got a hunch that she would be a very fast runner.

12 Suzanne Paul
You need to be innovative to play in the centers and Paul has a track record of creativity. If she can find 96 ways to tie a neckerchief how many ways can she find to reach the tryline?

13 Sally Ridge
With Suzy P on her inside, Ridge has a licence to thrill us with her creativity at center.

14 Samantha Hayes
Very fast and runs some good angles. Subs off at half time for Farrier who mucks it all up.

15 Dominic Bowden
Bowden’s one and only move is to kick enormously high bombs and making everyone wait 27 minutes for them to come back down.