I work for the prime minister but like-minded colleagues and I have vowed to thwart parts of her agenda and her worst inclinations.

The Spinoff is taking the rare step of publishing an anonymous Op-Ed essay. We have done so at the request of the author, a senior member of the Ardern administration whose identity is known to us and whose job would be jeopardized by its disclosure. We believe publishing their made up essay anonymously is the only way to deliver an important made up perspective to our readers and also we had nothing better to do on Friday afternoon.

Prime Minister Ardern is facing a test unlike any faced by a modern New Zealand leader.

It’s not just that the perturbations manifested by the misdemeanours of Labour ministers loom large. Or that the country is bitterly divided over Ms Ardern’s decision making on air transport and lactation. Or even that her party might well lose all its ministers if they carry on shackling their ankles to calamity and the vexations of gmail, etcetera.

The dilemma is that many of the senior representatives in her own administration are working diligently from within to force her to acknowledge the true intellectual giants, the mighty totara domiciled there. To ensure they are heard, heeded and made into great bronze statues up and down the country.

I would know. I am one of them.

The prime minister continues to act in a manner that is detrimental to the health of our nation, particularly when it comes to the embrace of celebrities masquerading as businessmen, the Australian owned banks and synthetic meats, and she’s always insisting that she gets to chair the meetings just because she is the prime minister, I mean come on.

 

She who sits quite literally upon the shoulders of the matua must listen up, OK? Much as the leaf of the kawakawa proffers balm upon the inflammations of modernity, those whose roots emerge from the mighty soils of the north are an emulsifying ointment to be liberally applied across the ectodermal tissue of the nation, the belching, expectorating champions of the provinces, the very lodestars of democracy.

I would know. I am the lodedest star of the lot.

There is a quiet resistance within the administration of people choosing to put country first, who do not covet the arses of their neighbours. But the real difference will be made by everyday citizens rising above politics, reaching across the aisle and resolving to shed the labels in favour of taking to the streets whereupon they shalt hold aloft above their ordinary heads and bellow furiously the name of the one true champion of the provinces, and also New Zealand, etcetera.

The writer is a senior member of the Ardern administration who is made up.