Tara Ward ranks her favourite moments from the past week of Ferndale hijinks. This week: Moody Michael has a sulk, Harry is robbed of his television and Drew bucks up his pun game.
1) Michael makes it hard to love him
Oh, the pressures of being a tween in New Zealand. Someone call a waah-mbulance, because Michael’s got problems. He won’t talk to his parents about his homework and – if that’s not rebellious enough – Vinnie finds him missing from his bed.
Look, how old is Michael? Five, maybe seven and half? Don’t peak too soon with the bitchy attitude, kid. Save the eye-rolling and back-chat for another decade or so.
Michael disappears because he’s being cyber bullied by another annoying brat, but I suspect it was a desperate attempt to escape his parent’s incessant need to talk about his behaviour.
It’s one conversation after another at his house, always in a calm, rational and moderate tone. Who parents like that? It makes me sick.
There’s so much chit-chat around here it could be the new headquarters of the UN.
SO MANY WORDS. MY EARS ARE BLEEDING.
For the love of all things medical, send this brat to his room until he’s 16. Let him out when he’s a raging mess of hormones, ready to steal some cars or get drunk on Leanne’s secret stash of vodka spritzers. Anything, please, to get rid of this awful storyline.
Speaking of a raging mess of hormones: big things were happening in Curtis’ world, and nearly all of them involved the whites of his eyes and a pointy index finger. Not content with stealing the Warner’s antique kitchen appliances (pray for them), Curtis takes revenge to the next level and prepares a spring barbeque.
Sadly, his conscience (aka Lucy) arrives just as Curtis is about to light the flame and spoil everyone’s fun.
There’s more pointing and ogling when Curtis learns that Mo dobbed him into the police. Curtis heads for the hills rather than prison, where he’ll be surrounded by other pointy, wide-eyed idiots.
3) Harper and Drew jockey for position
These two are high on the rankings this week purely because a) we don’t see enough jogging scenes in Shortland Street and b) what the fuck is Drew doing dropping off his one-night stand at a horse stable? Is the Auckland housing market THAT bad?
Surely this takes the ‘Stallion Doctor’ metaphor too far.
Thankfully, Harper jogs on to Boyd. He insists they go home to do ‘terrible things’ together. Ugh. I think I prefer it when they fight.
4) The Warner struggle is real
Gosh, doesn’t the Warner family have bad luck? There was that terrible incident with Pixie, a trip to Sydney to escape the stress, and then Curtis stole all that was precious and decent to them.
“My TV is gone,” snivels Harry. “Another one? How many is that?” Rachel moans. “Three,” complains Chris. “My games!” wails Harry. “My whiskey collection!” whines Chris. Will the suffering never end?
This is appalling. Won’t somebody set up a Givealittle page for this poor family?
5) Murray perfects the art of doing nothing
Murray spent most of this week doing very little. He considered buying a boat, but didn’t. He thought about investing in Dayna’s hotel accommodation, but didn’t. You must be exhausted from all that hard work, Muzza.
Still, at least we got to see Leanne at the marina. She insisted on accompanying Murray because she grew up in Tauranga (where everyone lives on boats, apparently). Mostly she just wanted to show off her extensive collection of naval-themed visors and scarves.
6) Victoria pushes it to the edge
Quick, imprint this image of Smiling Victoria to your retina. Once Harper tells her that prisoner Trent Wagner is laying a formal complaint, there’ll be a lip-pursingly fierce eruption from the seemingly dormant Mt Victoria.
“Handle this carefully and rationally,” Harper warns. She’s hilarious!
7) Kylie’s mother meets the locals
A vision in autumnal cashmere appears from the Lift of Doom. It’s Kylie’s mother, here to fix her troubled relationship with her daughter. Norelle plans to bond with Kylie through honesty and trustworthiness, but if that fails, a ticket to the Gold Coast should do it.
Sadly, Drew won’t spare Kylie from work. He makes it up to her by personally showing Norelle the highlights of Ferndale, via the back seat of his Toyota Starlet.
“She’s clingy and desperate,” Kylie tells Drew, unaware of last night’s scenic tour of the Shortland Street car park. Drew panics when Norelle extends her visit and flaunts her new saucy underwear in the café – and not just because that is an alarming health and safety violation.
Hold your horses, Drew. What difference will one more insecure woman make in your life?
What lies down the track for our Shortland Street team this week? Will Drew and Norelle go the distance? Will Michael bolt again? And will Murray do anything? One can only live in hope. Place your bets, people: let’s enjoy the ride.
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The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.