Emily Writes has been leaked the minutes to a Mother’s Day gift guide focus group for Farmers department store. Here is the unedited transcript of the hour-long meeting.
The Spinoff has obtained an exclusive transcript of the focus group that become the basis for the 2019 Mother’s Day Farmers catalogue – one which featured 11 hair-removal devices ranging from electric razors to epilators, an electric tooth brush, two foot massage kits, a robotic back massager (not a useful one that’s actually a vibrator) and five bathroom scales ranging in price from $49 to $125.
As we could not tell the difference between the voices of the men who attended the focus group, we will not attribute quotes. We were able to identify the focus group facilitator Steve Davidson – his quotes are in bold.
Hi, thanks for being here today. I’d like to thank you for attending this focus group to decide what we include in the Farmers catalogue for Mother’s Day. If we could start by just introducing ourselves that would be great. We’ll then kick off with some questions.
Should I start? Just names?
Sure. That’s fine.
Hi, my name is Steve Johnson.
Hello, my name is Steve Adamson.
Hey, my name is Steve Donaldson
G’day boys. I’m Steve Danielson.
Good evening, my name is Dr Steve Peterson.
Hey, I’m Steve Jacobson.
Hey I’m last I guess! I’m Steve Steveson.
Fantastic. OK, let’s kick this off boys. The purpose of this focus group is to choose what to put in our Mother’s Day catalogue. What do you think mothers would like for Mother’s Day? Let’s just throw some ideas out there. Steve – yes? You don’t have to put your hand up, just yell out ideas.
I think probably a shaver.
Of course, can you expand on that Steve?
I think women want to shave all of their body hair so they are completely smooth. I think they want all of their surface area to be hairless.
Yeah, I agree with Steve, I think mothers probably want to spend Mother’s Day shaving their entire bodies.
Wow, straight off the bat that’s brilliant! So we are thinking razors, shaving kits, wax strips? Perfect. What else?
I think after she’s completely shaved she will want to cover herself in Vaseline.
Yes! I think she will want to do that Steve. Women love to cover their bodies in a waterproof sheen don’t they?
And maybe when she’s naked, shaved, and covered in petroleum jelly she might want to weigh herself.
But before that she will want to use a complete microdermabrasion system on her numerous imperfections.
This is perfection. I can’t believe we are getting such great ideas from you boys. We definitely can’t forget the complete microdermabrasion system.
Women love to weigh themselves. Preferably on multiple scales so you will want to buy her at least two or three scales.
Excellent Steve – couldn’t agree more!
After she has been rendered hairless, covered in a coat of grease and weighed she will definitely want to brush her teeth vigorously.
Yes, mothers love to brush their teeth. My mother often brushed her teeth.
Yeah, my wife brushes her teeth also.
My girlfriend is the same when she’s not shaving and weighing herself she’s usually brushing her teeth.
Steves, this might be the best focus group we have ever held. I can’t believe the insight you have into what your wives and girlfriends and mothers want on Mother’s Day! This is all going in the catalogue.
I definitely think that it’s important she’s hairless.
Oh yup, we got that Steve.
Like her whole body – it needs to be smooth like a snake or a lizard.
Yep, we have the hairless bit covered Steve but awesome contribution.
And then we weigh her. And we write down her weight.
Yeah weigh her.
We will definitely put many, many scales into the catalogue.
Weigh her when she’s hairless and she’s brushed her teeth.
[At this point the men started to chant WEIGH HER over and over again. This lasted for 20 minutes until there was a knock on the door.]
[There is a collective gasp and a woman’s voice is heard.]
Steve, what’s happening here?
Marie! We are just doing the Farmers catalogue brochure focus group.
But there aren’t any mothers here?
I don’t understand the question.
[There is silence apart from a man still mumbling the words “shave her, weigh her, brush her teeth”.]
What the fuck is this Steve? This cannot go in the catalogue. Weigh her? Shave her? This is insane.
[A huge commotion]
Marie are you saying you don’t want to be shaved and weighed?
I do not want to be shaved and weighed Steve, what the fuck?!
I’d be interested to hear from mothers if they are offended by this. Because it sounds like only Marie is offended.
I am a mother! This isn’t about being offended. I’m telling you as a mother I don’t want to be weighed and I don’t want to be shaved – either by you or my son. If I want to shave, I’ll shave myself and buy my own razor.
Marie are you OK? Are you on your period?
[All of the men answer in unison “yes”]
Haven’t any of you ever had a conversation with your mothers? Your wives? Your girlfriends? These are terrible gift ideas!
Steve: Actually I shaved my mum’s legs all the time and she loved it.
Steve: Yeah, I have to agree with Steve. I weighed my mum every day because that’s what we did in the good old days. You feminazis hate freedom.
Marie, I really think if you’d just listen-
No hair removal! No scales! No microdermabrasion systems! No back massagers unless they’re vibrators disguised as back massagers! No tooth brushes! This is not hard!
Would you like some chocolates instead?
All I want for Mother’s Day is the complete abolition of imperialist white supremacist capitalist heteropatriarchy but I suppose, failing that, yes I’d like some chocolates.
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