Illustration: RNZ/Pinky Fang
Illustration: RNZ/Pinky Fang

SocietyApril 22, 2019

Pretty poly: Why non-monogamous relationships are all the rage

Illustration: RNZ/Pinky Fang
Illustration: RNZ/Pinky Fang

Is it possible to be in a non-monogamous relationship without anyone involved getting hurt? Absolutely, say many New Zealanders practising polyamory, open relationships, swinging, and “relationship anarchy”. For her Bang! podcast series exploring modern sexuality, RNZ’s Melody Thomas spoke to some of them.

In the US, it’s estimated that about 4 to 5 percent of people practice polyamory, and 20% have attempted some kind of “ethical non-monogamy” in their lives.

The private NZ Polyamory Facebook group has more than 1000 members, kiwiswingers.co.nz claims to have more than 100,000 people signed up and workshops and talks about how to open up your relationship are popping up around the country.

Anecdotally, people who have been part of ethically non-monogamous communities for decades report that practitioners are a more diverse bunch than ever before.

Janet W. Hardy, author of polyamory bible The Ethical Slut, says, “The nature of our audiences has changed… in the old days it was mostly Renaissance Fair geeks and old hippies and other people who were on the fringes, and these days it’s everybody.”

Polyamory bible The Ethical Slut, left, and Dee Morgan of QPK Counselling, right.

Rosie Morrison, 27, grew up in Timaru. She first heard about polyamory when she moved to Wellington and met a bunch of people who were doing relationships differently.

“At the start I think I was pretty taken aback like, ‘whoa that’s radical!’ She says. “By the end I was like, ‘I want in! I want in, that sounds awesome.”

The word polyamory comes from two other words: poly, which is Greek for many or several, and amor, the Latin for love. Basically it’s the practice of or desire for intimate relationships with more than one partner, where all partners are consenting and enthusiastically onboard.

For Rosie, who had had various short term relationships and “summer flings” but had never felt herself able to commit to more, this new way of doing things was music to her ears.

“I always felt like [a monogamous relationship] was going to impact my sense of freedom somehow… [and] looking at other relationships around me, even my parents’ relationship… it just does not seem to work that well for lots of people! It’s kind of like ‘I don’t know guys, we’re going at this recipe and everyone’s determined to make it work, but maybe we should try something different?” she laughs.

Around this time she also met a polyamorous guy called Ross who admitted to having a crush on her, but also said he wasn’t ready to commit to just one person. Through the relationship that followed, Rosie got to know what polyamory felt like first-hand.

“There were moment where I was really torn up and really hurt… [but] what I so liked about my time being polyamorous was how much it taught me about my own feelings,” she says.

Where previously Rosie had shied away from feelings of jealousy and envy, polyamory forced her to develop coping skills.

“It’s so interesting to dig underneath [those feelings] and realise it’s just all ego based,” she says. “I’d think ‘I’m so envious, Ross has told me he’s slept with another woman… I feel lesser, and maybe she’s more attractive or better in bed’… Well yeah, maybe, but also she’s a totally different person, and he’s allowed to like both of you.”

Rosie is what’s referred to affectionately in the community as a “baby poly” – someone who’s just starting out on the polyamorous path. Some more experienced polyamorous people will actively avoid getting into relationships with baby polys because the learning curve is so steep (others don’t mind).

Dee Morgan runs QPK Counselling in Auckland, and specialises in supporting “queer, polyamorous and kinky folk”. Dee prefers the term “consensual non-monogamy” over “ethical non-monogamy” as ethics are subjective. She’s practiced polyamory herself for 16 years, and has lots of practical advice for baby polys.

“You gotta learn to crawl before you can walk and then run, and most of us make this mistake… We try to do too much, we think it’s gonna be fine, we think we’ve communicated enough and nope – there’s a great big blind spot and stuff we’ve missed and we inadvertently hurt partners. But eventually, you learn from every mistake… and you become a better person to partner with,” she says.

Molly and Nate* grew up in Wairarapa and Wellington. They’re married and have been polyamorous since their relationship began a decade ago.

“There were some rough times getting there for us,” admits Nate.

“Yeah,” agrees Molly, “I went through a bit of a slutty phase. It was a bit of unhealthy thinking where I was like, ‘Oh cool I get to fuck other people’ but as soon as this one started to express interest there was a bit of jealousy… I guess I had to get used to the idea of sharing my partner.”

Over the years, they’ve both had multiple relationships outside of their own, ranging from one-offs to those that last a couple of years. Though polyamory was Nate’s idea, Molly has ended up having more partners – something Dee Morgan says is fairly common.

Currently Nate’s only relationship is with Molly, though he’s open to entering into others if the opportunity comes along. Molly has a boyfriend whom she loves and has been with for a couple of years.

“One idea that a lot of people have is that…if you have two people in your life besides the usual one, you’re giving 50% to each of them. Actually you’re giving 100% to both.”

This sentiment is echoed by many in ethically or consensually non-monogamous relationships. The example often used is that of a parent’s love for their children – how many parents report that the love they have for their first born is divided in half when their second comes along? Not many, if any.

The polyamory pride flag, designed by Jim Evans in 1995 Photo: Creative commons

There are as many different ways to do consensually non-monogamous relationships as there are people who want to try. The only strict conventions are consent, respect and communication – aside from that, people are free to build their relationships in whatever form they like.

For baby polys or those considering opening up a previously monogamous relationship, this can sound either incredibly scary, or freeing. Perhaps even both.

“When you’re changing one of the base dynamics of your relationship… you’re going, ‘My partner wants to explore with other people… Are they gonna fall in love with someone else and leave?’” says Dee Morgan, “And it can take quite a lot of time for the headspace to shift and for them to go ‘Oh! This means they can fall in love with someone and choose to stay’.”

“Ultimately, if they’re in a relationship, everyone chooses every day to stay in that relationship, but we don’t tend to think about that when that’s the only partner. When you’re polyamorous I think there’s an increased awareness that yeah, my partners are with me because they choose to be with me.”

Hear stories from more consensually non-monogamous Kiwis in episode 4 of the podcast BANG!, plus more advice from Dee Morgan and Janet W. Hardy.

*Not their real names

Keep going!
Smoke and flames rise during a fire at the landmark Notre-Dame Cathedral in central Paris on April 15, 2019. (Photo: FRANCOIS GUILLOT/AFP/Getty Images)
Smoke and flames rise during a fire at the landmark Notre-Dame Cathedral in central Paris on April 15, 2019. (Photo: FRANCOIS GUILLOT/AFP/Getty Images)

SocietyApril 17, 2019

How the far right is trying to turn Notre Dame into the next Reichstag Fire

Smoke and flames rise during a fire at the landmark Notre-Dame Cathedral in central Paris on April 15, 2019. (Photo: FRANCOIS GUILLOT/AFP/Getty Images)
Smoke and flames rise during a fire at the landmark Notre-Dame Cathedral in central Paris on April 15, 2019. (Photo: FRANCOIS GUILLOT/AFP/Getty Images)

Despite unequivocal statements from French authorities that they believe the Notre Dame fire was accidental, far-right personalities are claiming it was arson. Marc Daalder explains why.

It didn’t take long. Within hours of the news breaking of a devastating fire at the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris, far-right leaders were leaping on it, using dog whistles and fabrications to promulgate their theories on white supremacy and the perceived superiority of Western civilisation.

A large subset also hinted or directly asserted that the fire was caused by Muslims – possibly in retribution for the Christchurch shooting.

This contradicts all media reports and the word of the French police. Although French officials told media outlets that the fire was accidental as early as 5:19 am New Zealand time – less than an hour after the catastrophe began and while the blaze was still burning – a wide range of far-right figures were quick to cast doubt.

Stefan Molyneux, the Canadian provocateur whose speaking tour in New Zealand last year was cancelled following protests, started off by “just asking questions” about the safety procedures at the cathedral.

“How on earth did the fire get so big so quickly?”, he wrote on Twitter. “Do they regularly work overtime on the Notre Dame construction project? Didn’t the fire start after the end of the usual workday?” Molyneux tweeted out the EU’s fire safety regulations for construction sites.

After testing the waters, Molyneux issued his public doubts, admitting he had “suspicions that the massive and rapid Notre Dame conflagration could possibly be arson”. He doubled down in future tweets and a YouTube video, arguing, “What makes any rational person think we will get the truth? Governments lie constantly.”

Also on Twitter, prominent “alt-right” troll Jack Posobiec – who at one time championed the Pizzagate and Seth Rich conspiracy theories – discussed his own doubts. He tweeted and later deleted, “I notice [US Congresswoman Ilhan Omar] is awfully quiet today,” as if the Muslim congresswoman had personally set the fire.

He later joined a number of right-wing commentators condemning Fox News host Shepard Smith. Smith was interviewing former French politician and convicted libeller Philippe Karsenty when the latter suggested the fire was intentional. “Of course, you will hear the story of the political correctness which will tell you it’s probably an accident,” Karsenty said.

Smith was quick to shut down Karsenty, refuting his baseless allegations and then kicking him off the show. Posobiec and others denounced Smith for this.

White supremacist Richard Spencer was to publicly doubt the official record. Spencer, who coined the term “alt-right” and leapt to notoriety for shouting “Hail Trump, hail our people, hail victory” in front of an audience performing a Hitler salute, continues to tweet his thoughts to the world untrammelled on Twitter. He posted n Tuesday: “If the Nortre [sic] Dame fire serves to spur the White man into action – to sieze [sic] power in his countries, in Europe, in the world – then it will have served a glorious purpose and we will one day bless this catastrophe.”

People kneel on the pavement as they pray outside watching flames engulf Notre-Dame Cathedral in Paris on April 15, 2019. (Photo: ERIC FEFERBERG/AFP/Getty Images)

All these tactics serve a single purpose: promulgating far-right ideology and recruiting new adherents. The far-right wants to identify Notre Dame as a pinnacle achievement of “Western civilisation” – a dog whistle term for white civilisation. In many cases, this is blatant. In his YouTube video, Molyneux described Notre Dame as a Western achievement, then went on to argue that white men were responsible for “way more than 90 percent of scientific innovations from 800 BC to 1950 AD,” a reference to a debunked statistic from race scientist Charles Murray.

By synonymising Notre Dame and Western civilisation, the far-right wants to convince those who understand their underlying meaning that white culture is in danger, also known as the white genocide conspiracy theory.

This theory posits that white people are at risk of being replaced by increased diversity in majority white countries and increased tolerance of racial and cultural differences. Notre Dame has become, literally overnight, an icon of white genocide – a Reichstag Fire for a generation of white supremacists desperate to believe they are the victims. (The 1933 Reichstag Fire, in case you’re fuzzy on your history, was an arson attack that the Nazi regime blamed on communists, using it as an excuse to seize almost unlimited political power.) The far-right has juxtaposed images of the burning cathedral with lines of non-white refugees at the Hungarian border, as if there was any connection between the two.

But this messaging won’t just reach those who are in the know regarding the far-right meaning of the phrase ‘Western civilisation’. Even the seemingly harmless notion that Notre Dame is a preeminent symbol of Western civilisation can carry the implication that the ‘West’ is under threat. In many cases, this idea is the first step on a slippery slope towards online radicalisation – and in some cases, far-right terrorism.

By introducing an element of doubt about the cause of the fire, the far right can also start pointing fingers at specific groups they blame for the decline of white civilisation. In this case, the target is Muslims. Almost immediately, far-right leaders and trolls began pushing fabricated footage purporting to show Muslims celebrating the blaze. At least two popular right-wing posts were confirmed by Buzzfeed News to contain doctored video.

Molyneux, among others, brought up the possibility that Muslims were responsible, before dismissing his own suggestion as idle speculation. American commentator and conspiracy theorist Glenn Beck said on his show on the right-wing platform The Blaze that “If this was started by Islamists, I don’t think you’ll find out about it.”

Faith Goldy, a Canadian provocateur who was fired from the far-right Rebel Media after doing an interview for the further-right Daily Stormer, shared an article on Twitter about the sentencing of a woman involved in a failed 2016 plot to attack Notre Dame.

“Three days ago a Muslim jihadis in Paris was arrested for planning a terrorist attack at Notre Dame Cathedral,” she wrote, ignoring the fact that the woman was arrested nearly two and a half years ago. “Today, Notre Dame is in flames. Probably just a coincidence.”

A select few have gone even further and directly connected the accident in Paris to the Christchurch terror attack. Noting that the fire began on April 15 Paris time and the shootings occurred on March 15 New Zealand time, low-profile conspiracy theorists have argued that the fire was retribution.

Deeper down the rabbit hole, some on the far-right Twitter-style platform Gab argued that the Christchurch attack was a hoax, and that the fire was either started by the same people who organised Christchurch, or that the Muslims who they assume to have started the fire were tricked by the false flag.

Of course, none of these claims have basis in fact. It may seem to most to be very obviously nonsense, but the month since Christchurch has shown us that plenty of people will believe what a majority consider absurd.

Understanding why some fall for the bunk science and pseudo-philosophy underpinning far-right ideology and how they use it to recruit more people to their cause is a crucial part of countering their worst manifestations. And Notre Dame serves as a perfect case study: a tragic accident that has been immediately weaponised to propagate a far-right belief system to an unsuspecting public.