Alex Casey power ranks the first week of Married at First Sight NZ, including reindeer jumpers, house pigs and too many kisses.
As I expressed in my sappy review of the premiere yesterday, I have fallen hard and fast for Married at First Sight NZ already. I have walked down the altar, said “I do” (or “yeah, yep, maybe, yes” in the case of Luke) and am now stuck with this damn show until the rest of eternity for better or worse. Maybe we’ll grow apart, maybe the spark will fizzle out, maybe my mind will start to wander when the younger, fitter model like First Dates NZ begins.
For now though, let us continue to sob and coo and look at wedding dresses on the internet not in a weird way just in a normal way, no pressure or anything it’s just for work OKAY? Each week I’m going to attempt to keep tabs on the couples from my couch by way of the mighty power ranking, and a bunch of other fake metrics that will probably change a lot. Look, it’s a show where strangers get married, everything’s made up and nothing really matters!
1) ANGEL AND BRETT
Who are they: Hey girl, is your name Angel? Because this is a match made in heaven. Angel is a 26 year-old extremely happy human who works at StarNow and has a super cool dad and an even cooler Nana. Imagine marrying into this goldmine?!?
Angel’s perfect match Brett has all the signs of a top bloke, by which I mean he literally makes wooden signs in his shed for a living. He’s a true and pure sweetheart who loves cross-fit, “hitting up the emails” and even sent her a bracelet and flowers before they met. Take my heart. TAKE IT.
Pros: They both got sore faces from all the smiling and laughing at the wedding and both had super cheeseball vows that didn’t make me cry into my dressing down even a little bit, that is fake news and you are going to jail. Brett promised her “a life of epic times.” She promised to make him feel like he has won “the wife jackpot” everyday.
Cons: Brett mentioned he forced himself to suck up his tears to “put on his man face.” Question: what’s a man face?
Prediction: Next week they will both probably smile so hard that all their teeth will shatter and Brett will have to hit the shed to whittle himself and his gal a new set of wooden chompers. Whip me up a pair while you’re there would ya?
2) CLAIRE & DOM
Who are they: Only the silver fox horndogs to rule them all! Our over 50s are a seemingly perfect match – if Claire can get over the height problem. He loves a leather jacket, she loves a leather jacket. He has white hair, she has white hair. He lives in Palmerston North, she lives in Palmerston North. He was a cop, she was a pole dancer, can I make it any more obvious?
“The older you get… the more baggage you have” explained Dom, “but I like to think that all my baggage has been declared and is in the overhead lockers – not strewn across the aisles.” It’s a long metaphor and a strange metaphor, and I’ve got nothing bad to declare about Mr and Mrs Fluffy, so send me straight down the green lane and all the way out of the airport of life.
Pros: Both are up for a wine, a huge laugh and a steamy hotel romp, maybe all at the same time? Dom seems even more committed to Claire than he was to his choppy James Bond impression at the suit fitting, which is to say a hell of a lot.
Cons: Claire’s daughter Rebecca won’t be won over as easily as flinging a bit of pancake her way and commanding her to “come to Poppa”. In fact, it’s their party and she’ll cry in the toilets if she wants to.
Prediction: Dom’s bold bedroom-wear (loose robe and hot pink “stop bullying” awareness bracelet) will actually end all bullying forever and ever amen.
3) LACEY & LUKE
Who are they: Lacey is a big family person who loves to play Kubb on the lawn, and thought life would have sorted out her relationships by now. Luke is a brooding philosopher whose insights include that the ocean contains “a lot of water.” He also says he has terrible organisational skills – worrying for a warehouse manager – but Lacey’s so organised that she even found time to play bartender at her own wedding.
Pros: Both seem like huge giggling dorks when they are together, if she can put up with his random photoshoot burps and astonishingly low rating of her looks (7.2, wtf), then maybe she can endure anything. Even a Christmas jumper in the middle of August.
Cons: It is a scientific fact that in every set of twins, one of them is always slightly evil. In this case, Lacey’s twin sister Skye could be the sticking point in their holy union, threatening to exercise a “veto” over Luke at some point. And if Skye’s not enough to worry about, her dad Marius kiiiind of joked about shooting Luke with a gun?
Prediction: Skye will unleash her deadly “veto” via throwing a piece of Kubb at Luke’s head and Marius shoot him with a potato gun (his old guns are still in South Africa). Luke will be protected by the thickness of his out of season reindeer jumper.
4) VICKY & ANDREW
Who are they?: Flight attendant Vicky loves being a girly girl, is sick of dating bad boys, and wants to find her own Prince Charming. Andrew is an apprentice builder who has a pig for a flatmate. What could possibly go wrong? Andrew explained that women he’s dated in the past have either lied to him, cheated on him, or become strippers. Hey mate, let’s stop equating stripping with deviance – also there’s a pig in your kitchen.
What was incredibly uncomfortable to watch at their wedding was Andrew’s continued over-affection towards Vicky, who had to pull him aside and tell him to stop slobbering all over her. He used the “I’m just trying to be a nice guy” defence, and hundreds of thousands of Kiwi women rolled their eyes in unison. “Women want love, and when you give it to them they don’t want it,” Andrew would later say after Vicky asked that they sleep separately.
Here’s a tip: If a woman tells you to stop doing something, you stop immediately. If you have a problem with it, please jump swiftly into the trough with Mr Pigglesworth.
Pros: If nothing else, Vicky owns one of those ancient Farmer’s Christmas bears and Andrew appears to drink from an ancient cursed mug so, you know, they’ve got some valuable assets there. Take those to Antiques Roadshow and get it covered in the pre-nup ASAP imo.
Cons: Slobbering and touching aside, Andrew has also NOT done a good job on his own house for an apprentice builder. There goes any hope of entering the celebrity version of The Block in five years time.
Prediction: I know that Vicky is chasing her dream Disney ending, but this risky match could end up less Cinderella and more John Carter (tremendous flop).
HONOURABLE MENTIONS
Is this the hot hipster bodyguard?
Wow, let’s do this.
Who tf was noshing on Fruit Bursts in the pub toilet?
Was it me? Oh god it was probably me.
Digital birds
These birds are fake news and I want a divorce
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