Alex Casey delivers her ninth power rankings for The Bachelorette NZ, where the lads escape the concrete jungle for the rolling countryside. Click here for previous instalments.
Something I’ve been thinking about at 3am every night is this: what if The Bachelorette NZ isn’t reality TV show at all but a Lost-style high concept drama? My cool conspiracy theory is that the boys all actually carked it on the flight to Argentina, meaning that the Buenos Aires prison is actually purgatory and the farm is the final ascension of their souls aka heaven.
And if it’s not a scripted drama then at least we’ve found the brand new reality format taking the world by storm in 2021:
We’ve gone rural this week to escape the concrete jungle and take an ice cold “grasp” of that fresh country air. Nothing warms the heart more than a bunch of grown-ass men bounding onto the lawn like a bunch of happy beagles freed from an animal testing lab in that viral video my mum keeps sharing with me on Facebook. And NOTHING is more Kiwi values than those same grown ass men immediately shrieking “WATCH OUT FOR PRICKLES”.
Our Bachelorettes have also had a week of equally prickly revelations. Lesina has started to accept that her pursuit of perfection, for both herself and her suitors, is probably as futile as trying to put pants on Elliott. Lily also Realised Stuff while riding an unruly horse – she needs to relinquish a bit of control and just be at peace with whatever happens on the journey. I believe a wise Love Island philosopher once summed it by saying “it is what it is”. Or was that Descartes?
And, on that note, let’s get on with the show.
ELIMINATED: Steve
This week we found out that Steve’s chemistry game sucks, which is weird because we know he’s an expert in Fe aka Iron aka HEAVY FUCKING METAL BAYYYBEEEE
Despite rockin’ the cocktail party, he was unable to rock Lesina’s world. I guess there’s only so many times you can tell someone they remind you of your dad before the spark fizzles out. And there’s probably only so many times you can ask for a kiss before things get tense. And there’s only so many times you can wear beige chinos to a rose ceremony before you just look naked.
ELIMINATED: George
Gorgie Georgie pudding and pie, kissed no girls but still made everybody cry.
ELMER FUDD IMPERSONATED: Elliott
Elliott’s main goal this week was not to woo Lily in the pursuit of true love, but to catch an Argentinian rabbit. Sorry, wabbit. Using half an apple and a trap mechanism he found in the forest nearby, Elliott waited and waited and waited but no rabbit came near. And if you have a problem with that, well, to that I say ?grow?up?Peter?Pan?.
LILY’S LARRIKINS
5) Terence
It was on his single date with Lily that Terence’s walls finally came tumbling down. He opened up about his own experience with depression and it led to a pretty revelatory conversation about masculinity, mental health and trying to suck it all up and put on a brave face because you don’t want to be a burden. Nothing but respect for the T man.
Sidenote: how come Elliott got his full cheeks on display last week and Terence gets slapped with a peach emoji? This is ass erasure, rump privilege and truly the bum end of the deal.
4) Jesse
Poor Jesse has never been more absolutely gutted than when he thought his main man Liam had got the biff. He wept:
He slept:
Then he got poetic:
3) Liam
For a guy who constantly harps on about how intelligent and deep he is, Liam sure loves swimming in very thick, very drownable denim jorts. Look, I love Liam but I’m also confused by Liam. One minute he’s telling Lily that he can’t give 100% because he 100% knows that he won’t leave Perth, nek minuit he’s saying he’s falling for her. “I thought Lily was tapped and then realised she was holistic,” was the weirdest thing I’d heard a person say about another person, until Liam referred to himself on multiple occasions as the one, the only…
2) Quinn
I wish I loved anything as much as Quinn loves giving a thoughtful, gorgeous and beautiful gift. The guy has been pure Santa from that hand-crafted steel rose on the first night to the tiny dirt bike he gave Lily this week. It made her feel all gooey and melty inside, forgetting the fact that Quinn had clearly stolen the local rabbits’ getaway vehicle for when Elliott Fudd comes a-knocking.
1) Richie
Drop crotch lalas finally decided he was going to go after Lily this week, and expressed his decision through the majesty of meats. Lily says their time together has “just that right amount of nervousness that makes it exciting”, because nothing is more exciting than knowing whether or not someone is about to drop a whole lot of hot pork on your lap. So to speak.
LESINA’S LADS
4) Michael
Michael saying “that’s me to a forté” is absolutely me to a forté. This week we learned so much more about the mysterious man from Dargaville, including that he once made a cake by putting all the ingredients in a tin and not bothering to mix it together, and that he is “into homekill”.
Never leave us, barbecue king master.
3) Logan
Obsessed with the fact that Logan has been using his new notebook to jot down movie ideas. Based on his performance this week, I’d wager he has written an epic yarn about a superhero man who scours the Earth negging women to hell and then soothing them with slices of cheese. What could we call it I wonder???
2) Aaron
Aaron was very gutted to find out that Lesina doesn’t work in just one hospitable all year round, and is wondering how that will fit into his life, as if that is more important than trying to figure out where they are going to put the gottage to house his 49,000 hats.
1) Mike
Mike stuck his beautiful neck out this week when he furrowed his handsome eyebrows, burrowed his piercing blue eyes into Lesina’s soul, and said five simple words: give me a fucking rose. It was bold, it was a big risk, and it evidently paid off in a big way. LOOK AT HER LOOKING AT HIM!!!!!!! TOUCHING YOUR EARS AND NECK AND SHOWING OFF YOUR TONGUE IS FLIRTING!!!!!! I READ ABOUT IT ONCE IN A DOLLY MAGAZINE!!!!
You know who else asked assertively for a rose? Oh, just a gal named Matilda Rice back in season one of The Bachelor NZ. Mike then tried very hard to secure the rare piece of chicken – the only meat Lesina eats – in the barbecue challenge, but the rest of the men cottoned on quick and it turned into a right debacle:
Chook or no chook, it didn’t matter in the end. Mike attempted some sort of egg nightmare (in a lot of ways the original chook), and later found himself on a single date with Lesina quad-biking through the country side. They both talked about feelings next to a smoky fire, and then he lay a big ol’ smackeroo on her. Mike has kissed Lesina. I repeat. Mike. Has. Kissed. Lesina. It’s over for you bitches (it’s me, I’m bitches).
HONOURABLE MENTIONS
Mystery tube man
Who is he?
“Fireflies”
Yes “fireflies” and not “Steve smoking two darts at once”. See you next week Peter Pan.