Cartoon characters can be almost anything – people, animals, figments of your imagination. And they can also be hot as hell.
In the last few weeks I’ve watched a lot of kids’ TV as my little ones have struggled through a seemingly endless string of viruses. It’s little wonder that your mind wanders when you’re watching the 8000th episode of My Little Pony or Vegetarian Minecraft (yes, it’s a thing).
After seeing Rocketman on Saturday night, Taron Egerton’s triumphant return and ability to make Elton John hot, reminded me of the crush I had on the gorilla from Sing! At the time people had said: that’s weird. And what is wrong with you? But now that everyone is on the Taron bandwagon I feel validated. And so should all the other mum perves who were hot for him as a gorilla. We are legion.
Discussing this over cocktails, got us all thinking about the fact that there has never been a definitive list of the most bangable children’s TV characters. Suddenly, I had something important to write about. Little did I know that creating and finalising this list would be one of the most difficult assignments I’ve given myself. I have limited myself to present-day children’s TV because otherwise the list would just be Betty the feminist mum from Rugrats and Li Shang from Mulan. I could not limit myself to 10. So you have 11.
Tom Thomas (Fireman Sam)
Tom Thomas is basically Chris Hemsworth as a rescue helicopter pilot who runs a mountain rescue centre. He might not be very smart, but he at least doesn’t have baggage. He simply couldn’t handle it. I like to imagine he has a “Live, Laugh, Love” poster on his wall. He’s good for a short time not a long time. A perfect winter fling. He’d take you ski-ing and because it’s Pontypandy there would almost certainly be an avalanche, but hey, he would save you because weirdly nobody dies there despite the fact that there are natural disasters 365 days a year so there’s that.
Marco (Kate and Mim-Mim)
That accent! He’s such a good dad! The tight pants! Oooof!
Johnny (the Gorilla from Sing!)
With a voice like that and daddy issues – how could you not be hot for Johnny? Then when you realise he’s voiced by Taron Egerton – well, ‘Don’t Go Breaking My Heart’ etc.
Fiona Frizzle (The Magic School Bus Rides Again)
The original Ms Frizzle was like a mum to me. Now, as an adult watching The Magic School Bus Rides Again I have discovered that Fiona, Valerie Frizzle’s hot sister, is my perfect woman. She loves kids, yes – her dress sense is a tad extra – but she is intelligent, feisty, a straight-up stunner and very gay. She ticks all boxes. Plus she can drive.
Deltoid (Noddy, Toyland Detective)
Deltoid from Noddy, Toyland Detective, is as thick as a brick but he can lift heavy things and he has muscles on muscles. Also he really wears that white singlet. Special mention to the builders at Brickabuild.
Chief Bogo (Zootopia)
The chief of Police of Zootopia is voiced by Idris Elba so even though he is part of the Corrupt Police State there’s nothing I can do. He is also a water buffalo so even though many of you would be into Nick Wilde because everyone is wild about foxes – I’m always going for the big bois.
Captain Barnacles (Octonauts)
He’s a true hero. And a polar bear with a moustache. He has to be on the list. He keeps the whole operation under control which is pretty impressive considering he has to captain a kitten, a penguin, a sea otter, a dog, a bunny, an octopus and a part-vegetable, part-animal hybrid. If he can handle them without breaking a sweat he can handle you.
Almost everyone in How to Train Your Dragon
It’s just too hard to decide. Is it Hiccup when he has a beard and is sad? Or does his voice ruin any attraction? Surely it’s Stoick the Vast who absolutely looks like he throws down. Ultimately I can’t go past Tuffnut and Ruffnut for one of those nights where it’s just right place, right time and you’re like: Fuck it, why not?
Fireman Sam (Fireman Sam, obviously)
Yes, he’s a broken man. But haven’t we all tried to fix a man who cannot be fixed? Poor Sam (he finds it exceptionally dehumanising that he is always referred to by his job title FYI) is trapped in Pontypandy because he feels he must stay for his illegitimate son Norman Price. He wants to be an artist, but he can’t be because his secret love child is a pyromaniac. Can you imagine that pain? That sexy, sexy pain? It wouldn’t be a healthy relationship but it would be a hot one.
Diego’s father Papi (Go Diego! Go!)
Hearing Papi say “Ayuda todos los animales, Diego” is just too much for me to handle. This father of three could absolutely get it.
Grandpere Tiger (Daniel Tiger)
Daniel Tiger’s grandfather is a silver fox. I mean, he’s a tiger, but he’s got that sexy older guy thing going on. While Daniel Tiger’s mum just makes me feel inadequate, Grandpere Tiger just gives me feelings. With his flat cap, sailing jacket and no-pants combo – and his deep grumbly voice and weird French accent, he’s irresistible.
Honourable mentions: Bob the Builder because he’s good with his hands. Raquelle from Barbie’s Dream House, there’s something endearing about how clumsy she is and I like that she is really mean to Ken. The mum from Doc McStuffins – do I love her or want to be her? The dad in Boss Baby – it’s the glasses right?