Tara Ward will probably never be a Chaser on The Chase, but by gum will she power rank them in order of supreme dominance and knowledge prowess.

Take your barbeques and beaches and stick them in your happy little quiz-hole, because the only place you should be this summer is in front of your screens watching The Chase. Even if, like me, you spend the hour wearing this expression:

Forget the final chase or the cash builder rounds because The Chase is all about the Chasers, those five trivia titans who terrify mere mortals with their superior intellect and cheerless demeanour. They’re scary because they’re good: they know the date that marks the exact middle of a non-leap year, and what winter sport you might nose bonk in, and that a kink is not a feature of a fingerprint.

It’s a nose-bonking mystery how the Chasers remember all this guff. After watching 4000 episodes in one sitting, I have concluded they are all robots. This is fine by me, because I love every one of these grumpy geniuses from the bottom of my tiny, idiotic, robot-loving heart.

There’s stats aplenty on the interweb about which clever clog is the most successful Chaser, but I prefer to peddle an ignorant opinion over cold, hard data. Ergo, henceforth and other jazzy quiz words, I’ve power ranked the Chasers in order of supreme dominance, intellectual muscle, and po-faced intimidation. Like my reaction when I mistakenly answered that pesto sauce was made with camembert cheese, you can read ‘em and weep.

1) Anne “The Governess” Hegerty

The Governess’s eyes are like quizball lasers that penetrate deep into the soul, reducing the contestants to a noble gas that’s either a) helium b) nitrogen or c) tungsten hexafluoride. Watch them nearly roll out of her head as she looks skyward, seaward, through time and into galaxies far, far away in the hope of escaping whatever celebrity ignoramus she’s facing.

Yet game after game, chase after chase, the goddess that is the Governess remains composed under pressure and gallant in the face of defeat. Her reign of terror is unquestionable and, most impressive of all, she can pronounce a double LL sound in both Welsh and Spanish. QUEEN.

2) Mark “The Beast” Labbett

This 6-foot-6 man-mountain is an ex maths teacher who treats The Chase contestants exactly how you’d treat a bunch of hormonal teenagers who can’t tell their abacus from their elbow. “You’ve got to go!” he shouts gleefully. “You can’t keep getting lucky! I’M GOING TO CRUSH YOU ALLLLLLL!”

The Beast is as smart as he is smug, mostly because he claims to keep a dictionary in his head. Sounds cool, but did that snazzy brain word factory help him correctly separate his furry nuts from his hairy balls?  The answer Bradley, is c) not on your nelly.

(It’s a fancy maths question HOW VERY DARE YOU).

3) Shaun “The Destroyer” Wallace

The Destroyer has no time for The Chase. He glares witheringly at the contestants, his lip curled in contempt, in the hope they’ll spontaneously combust before his eyes just to liven things up a little.

Shaun’s here for a reason, and it’s 100% because only he knows which village Postman Pat lives in and which species of bat has the fewest teeth. He likes to taunts the contestants by telling them they won’t finish, but also reckons a chiropractor fixes your feet. Destroyer of hopes and dreams, destroyer of your ability to walk properly after you visit some sham foot doctor on his advice.

4) Paul “The Sinnerman” Sinha

The Sinnerman is an angel sent from quiz heaven, healing the world of general knowledge in his white suit of superior intellect. We must call him if we’re ever struck down with quiz fever, and not just because ‘sinnerman’ rhymes with ‘dinnerman’ and fevers always make me hungry.

Not only is Paul Sinha the #14 ranked quizzer in the world, he’s also a qualified GP, which means he is saving people’s lives one ridiculous question at a time. He knows all the Harry Potter titles, smiles frequently, and probably spends his free time helping frail old ladies cross the road. Ugh. Makes me sick.

5) Jenny “The Vixen” Ryan

I bloody love The Vixen but she was beaten by Basil Brush and alas, there is nothing more to say.