Looking for a wonderfully trashy movie to watch? TVNZ OnDemand now have some of Lifetime’s best dramas for your viewing pleasure.
In a world of serious and credible television, the arrival of Lifetime to TVNZ OnDemand is joyous news. Lifetime is an American cable channel that churns out emotional drama after emotional drama, and it’s the best trash television you’ll ever watch.
Your trash is my treasure, and I will defend our right to enjoy bad TV until the end of days. I’m not the only one, because in 2016, 93 million American households were subscribed to Lifetime. You don’t have to be a numerologist to know that’s a lot of people keen to enjoy a corny romantic comedy about a wedding planner who agrees to help two couples from the same family get married in the same month. What was she thinking? It’s an instant recipe for chaos.
You need to embrace the ridiculous with Lifetime, because the movies usually have incredible titles like The Doctor Will Kill You Now or Dangerous Matrimony. The heart-stopping storyline will centre around a brave yet determined woman who runs a successful business and raises a family, while also solving murders and fighting crimes. Yes, she might be in love with her stepbrother, and yes, she might moonlight as a vampire, but what is life if not full of layers? Lifetime is the televisual onion of our melodramatic lives.
Best of all, you always know where you are with a Lifetime drama. There are no surprises, and watching is like bathing in a warm shower of clichés and stereotypes. You can predict the ending during the opening credits, and these dramas will never let you down. You’ll always get a happy ending, the humble handyman in the flannel shirt will turn out to be the love of your life, and the women will always have good hair. Hair is important in a Lifetime movie. Good will overcome evil, but good hair will overcome everything.
In the name of all things sleek and glossy, let’s take a look at some of the gems in TVNZ OnDemand’s new Lifetime collection.
If you want the truth about a famous star: Britney Ever After
You won’t get anything out of Britney Ever After that you couldn’t get from a NW magazine between 2007 and 2011, but don’t let that put you off. This biopic follows Britney’s tumultuous journey through the highs and lows pop stardom, as she rises from humble beginnings, meets J-Tim and K-Fed, and enjoys an “eventual triumphant resurrection” in Las Vegas. Sadly, there are no Britney songs in this film, which might just drive you crazy.
If you love a movie about cheerleaders and their secret lives: The Secret Lives of Cheerleaders
Cheerleaders! Secret lives! What more do you need?
If you weren’t allowed to read the book: Flowers in the Attic
One of the best things about being a grown up is doing all the things you weren’t allowed to as a child, like sitting in the front passenger seat of the car or reading Flowers in the Attic. Lifetime has four movies based on Virginia Andrew’s controversial series about the Dollangager siblings, who are held captive in their grandparents’ attic. Spoiler: that attic deserves a one-star rating, would not stay again.
If you’ve only seen four news stories about Meghan Markle this week and you’re having withdrawal symptoms: Harry & Meghan, Becoming Royal
I love a good thriller, and I cannot wait to find out whether Meghan and Harry manage to find a happy balance between being royal and being true to their own hearts.
If you love movies inspired by real-life drama: The College Admissions Scandal
Two wealthy mothers become obsessed with getting their little darlings into college, and decide to cheat the admissions system with the help of a well-tanned consultant named Rick Singer. “Not every family has $250,000 in their top drawer,” says one of the mothers, but more fool her, she obviously hasn’t watched Hidden Family Secrets yet.
If you love movies where someone gets murdered: every Lifetime movie ever made
Crime fans: prepare yourselves, you just hit the motherlode. From Nanny Killer to Killer Prom, Mommy Group Murder to Mommy I Didn’t Do It, Lifetime loves a dirty murder. People die, they have glamorous funerals, something seems suspicious. Get amongst it.
If you’re wondering if you’re a serial killer: Am I a Serial Killer?
Look, if you have to ask, you’re probably not.
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