Last seen two weeks ago sipping on a pink panther at Toni Street’s birthday party, Mike Hosking made his return to terrestrial television last night. Tara Ward was watching, and found herself sucked right into his eye-rolling vortex.
The planets aligned, the clouds cleared and rainbows filled the skies when Mike Hosking returned to Seven Sharp last night. He’d been away for what felt like weeks with a mystery illness, and even though I don’t watch Seven Sharp or listen to the Mike Hosking Breakfast, I could feel in my waters that things weren’t right with the world.
Lucky for us, Seven Sharp is a current affairs show that confronts the big issues. “We have to address your illness first,” Toni told Mike, “because you never take sick days, and you took seven. What happened?”
“I got ill,” Mike replied. That’s it, nothing to see here, let’s move straight to the story about lifesavers in tutus.
Just jokes. Mike revealed his absence was all September and October’s fault, coming at the end of the year like they always do. Bastards. A bug somehow wheedled its way into Mike’s workaholic immune system and BAM! He was down and out and our TV and radio world was shook forever and ever amen.
But happy days, because The Hosko had returned. “Lovely to have you back, Mike, and hopefully you can stay,” said Toni. Was she hopeful? Was I hopeful? It was hard to know. I was still reeling from the emphatic “BAM!” noise Mike made as he described the bug hitting his immune system.
Mike was indeed in fine fettle, twirling his pen and shuffling his papers with the energy and enthusiasm of a much, much younger man. Watching him refer to Toni’s “shabby little interviews”, I was mesmerised by every grimace, sneer and eye roll.
He was a non-stop symphony of bombastic expression, and I found myself being pulled in, closer and closer, until BAM! I was trapped in Mike Hosking’s venus flytrap of opinion.
That’s when the trouble began: I started agreeing with Mike Hosking.
What the living end! Was I ill, too? Or is Mike Hosking actually my soul mate? So many questions, and only 22 prime time minutes to answer them. Let’s not base this decision on personality alone, but consider the evidence closely.
“We’re creaking, we’re creaking at the edges”
Mike might have been discussing the pressures of tourism on local authorities, but as he uttered these immortal words I was making the gargantuan effort of hoisting my stiff carcass off the couch. I was literally creaking, creaking at the edges. Can Mike Hosking stare directly into my creaky soul? This is both a terrifying and exhilarating thought.
“I love democracy”
Mike wants digital voting, which mostly means getting a text saying “congratulations, welcome to 2017”. Until this crazy fantasy comes true (e.g. NEVER), Mike and I will bust our guts in excitement as we make two glorious ticks in the nearest school hall this Saturday. FYI, democracy will be the winner on the day.
“Young people don’t want to get out of bed”
Toni reckoned it was young people who were voting early but, of course, she was wrong. Mike knows old people are the early voters because they’re organised. Did you hear that, youth of today? Of course not, you’re all asleep, doing sweet fuck all while us old bastards get up and pay taxes.
What’s more, Mike reckons Labour’s up the clacker thanks to all you fickle, duvet-hogging, non-voting children. “Gotta get them outta bed, gotta be a sunny day, gotta be feeling the vibe.” The vibe? Did Hosko just channel The Castle‘s Dennis Denuto? Be still, my aged, semi-beating heart.
I’m feeling Mike’s vibe, all day every day. Have you seen these shoes? Vibe-licious.
“You cannot go wrong with a chocolate cake”
Again, more impeccable advice from The Hosk. Don’t even think about baking any more of that Coconut and Pineapple Cake bullshit Toni Street, because Mike and I know the truth. The truth involves 25% quality cocoa, a shitload of sugar and no fruit, ever.
BAM! That’s the sound of a Hosking truth bomb landing in an oven near you.
“Only do a cartwheel if you’re up to it”
You simply cannot argue with this logic. Congratulations, welcome to 2017, let us all creak at the edges together.