During the New Zealand International Comedy Festival, ‘Behind the LOLs’ will reveal the inner workings of some of our finest comedy talent. First up, 2016 Billy T nominee James Malcolm writes a list of his prenuptial conditions for Shortland Street‘s Chris Warner.
This year I’m taking advantage of the festival to stage my elaborate wedding to Chris Warner from Shortland Street. I even got to visit Shortland Street hospital for realzies and meet the actual Chris Warner*.
* obviously this was not the actual real life Chris Warner, obviously the real Chris would want to shag me, because he’s my fiancé.
I also write Chris Warner quite a lot of letters. He never replies, but I know in my heart that he has 100% received them. One of them was this pre-nup I sent him just the other day:
1) I’m okay if you want an open relationship! It’s 2016, go nuts – I’m well aware I don’t have everything needed to completely satisfy you. However there are situations where it is appropriate, and situations where it’s not.
The “aerobics lesson” you received at the back of that seedy gym in episode one? Totally fine! And make as many beautiful, mixed-race babies with Grace Kwan as your heart desires. It’s the type of affair that leads to a relationship that bothers me; avoid Gabrielle Jacobs and Alison Raynor types.
2) We both know Rachel McKenna has a history of alcoholism and driving under the influence. I’m not saying you should let her die when she turns up in ED needing surgery, but I just don’t think it’s appropriate for you to be the one to resuscitate her.
Get Boyd to do it – performing surgery on someone is the most intimate act on earth – you literally get to see their insides and stuff. It would basically be like double tapping her entire existence on Instagram.
3) As you well know I am a New Zealand comedian. I’m sure you also know that all New Zealand comedians have to make fun of how fat you got. Don’t blame me! I didn’t make the rule – but I do need to stick to it. I promise to replace the word ‘fat’ with ‘pudgy’ at all times.
4) You clearly have a history of drama surrounding all your weddings. Getting locked in a barn for your first onscreen wedding, the cat fight between Rachel McKenna and fake-Samara. It’s all reason to give me pause. This pattern cannot continue. I expect our wedding to go off without a hitch, because what could impress the Billy T Award judges more than a smooth running celebrity wedding?
5) I know Rachel isn’t his real mum, but any chance of swinging a joint custody deal for Harry Warner? I just don’t want him running around the house all day and hogging the Game Centre. Plus, it’s kind of disturbing that I’m closer to his age than yours.
The Bulletin is The Spinoff’s acclaimed daily digest of New Zealand’s most important stories, delivered directly to your inbox each morning.