Tara Ward brings you her Shortland Street Power Rankings for last week, including a grim Warner birthday scene and an astounding performance by TK Samuels.
1) Chris turns 49 and all his dreams come true
The Warners threw caution to the wind and celebrated Chris’s birthday in a style not seen in Ferndale since Nick photocopied his arse in the nurse’s station. Spare a thought for Esther and Finn, held prisoner behind the couch by Rachel’s discarded bra. It’s a booby trap, Warner styles.
Ew. This was like walking in on your parents. I will never look at the Warner couch again without reliving the disturbing vision of Chris ferreting around in Rachel’s bra.
2) Victoria’s fake pregnancy is over quicker than a fake storm in a fake teacup
How many cups of tea can one family drink? Stranded in a ‘dodgy’ motel – curse that heated pool and fine courtyard garden – the Hannah’s drank enough cuppas to finance a small tea plantation. Victoria is unwell? Let’s have a brew. Victoria planted cash in Marg’s bag? I’ll put the jug on. The stress of Margaret’s return made Victoria lose her imaginary baby? Mine’s milk and two sugars.
3) The many faces of TK Samuels: unbridled joy at living his 1980s Cocktail fantasy
The first in a recurring series: prepare to be amazed at how one face can portray so many emotions.
4) George is still George and it’s everyone for themselves
An ancient philosopher once said, “we’re on the Titanic, and there aren’t enough lifeboats. We’re going to die!” Each week I assume George has hit peak misery, but he continues to suck us down into the cold, dark depths of his soul, where we’ll remain for years until James Cameron comes down in a shiny submersible to save us all.
As that other ancient philosopher once said: “fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake.” Not only did this mendacious charlatan fake his medical qualifications, he told Lucy he has Hodgkins-Lymphoma.
Cancer seems a drastic excuse for pulling a sicky. Perhaps George should have Googled ‘easiest medical conditions to fake when I need to escape a job I’m not qualified for and could go to jail over if my inexperience has fatal consequences’.
5) Boyd is scared of the dark and the wind
TURN ON SOME LIGHTS, FFS.
6) Finn and Esther find themselves in a sticky situation
Drink up, Esther. With any luck you’ll slip peacefully into an alcohol-induced coma and when you wake this will all be over.
The morning after is always awkward. #warnerproblems
7) There’s something weird about Cushla
Look, it’s Cushla Patterson. Last month we had no bloody idea who Cushla was, but now she visits the hospital so frequently that each character takes turns to say “look, it’s Cushla Patterson”.
Cushla, Cushla, Cushla. Say it enough times and you’ll wonder if it’s even a word.
One minute Cushla’s a supportive teacher praising Blue’s art-work, the next she’s hiding in Boyd’s bedroom in a state of paranoia, possibly bought on by Bella’s décor choices. Cushla, Cushla, Cushla. You don’t have to be CEO of a major hospital to know the Fentidge implant is messing with Cushla’s mind, or is her French plait too tight and cutting off circulation to her brain?
8) Curtis makes Finn les miserables
Beneath his angry exterior, Curtis is as sharp as a piece of lego you stand on in bare feet. He knows Victoria planted the cash in Margaret’s bag, and he knows Finn is a jumped up tosspot who treats orderlies like they’re a piece of discarded underwear behind the Warner couch.
Never has a crueler punishment been dealt than hiding a surgeon’s stash of blue biros. More power to you, Curtis.
9) The many faces of TK Samuels: dogged determination
Nothing gets in the way of TK saving lives. Apart from death, which is really, really annoying.
Shortland Street airs 7pm weekdays of TV2, click here to catch up on TVNZ Ondemand