Going to a show at the New Zealand International Comedy Festival this month? Here are some useful tips.
Applause: “Please clap,” as Jeb Bush famously asked his unresponsive crowd to do at his rally. Applause is great after a fantastic joke has been said and also at the end of the show, as long as both of those are done in a genuine and not sarcastic fashion.
Beaming: You don’t know the comedian personally but when they’re on stage, act like it’s your child who’s finally ridden a bike without training wheels. When the comedian sees you grin ear to ear, it will give them an extra spring to their step.
Crying: Some shows delve into deep and emotional topics so it’s OK to cry, you are in a safe space with like-minded audience members. You can also join in a crying circle with the comedian afterwards if the show has gone badly for them.
Drinking: Either do it from one of the insulated water bottles that’s all the rage these days or drink an alcoholic or non-alcoholic beverage from the bar that is attached to the venue.
Eating: Most performers prefer that any eating is done before or after the show but if you have to eat, make sure it’s something that doesn’t make a crunching sound or send an aroma around the room. Crispy chicken noodles are out, vanilla ice cream is in.
Flowers: Giving the comedian flowers metaphorically will motivate them for the rest of their run, or if their season has finished it will make them feel like all their hard work preparing for the show was all worth it. You can literally give them a bouquet of flowers as well but that will feel a bit stalkerish.
Group: Enter the communal spirit of the audience by laughing together as a group.
Heckling: Best to refrain from doing this unless the comedian explicitly invites the crowd to do this. Most heckles are so bad that the heckle itself deserves a heckle so this will set off a chain of heckling best not started.
Instagram: Save any photo or video taking to either right before the show starts or at the end of the show unless the comedian lets you post during the show. This gives you a valid alibi for your whereabouts if the cops come a knockin’.
Jam: See Eating, a viable thing to consume during a show.
Knife: They say don’t bring a knife to a gunfight, also don’t bring a knife to a comedy show, there’s no use for a knife here.
Laughing loudly: This is acceptable in the realms of a killer gag just being delivered, although any type of laughter including ones with the volume of a mouse are happily received.
Making eye contact: Don’t be scared to do this as this notifies the comedian that they’re successfully engaging with the crowd. This isn’t flirting, honestly.
Needing to pee or do number 2/3s: If you’re busting to go, it’s your fault for not going before the show started, however if you simply must go, try to make your exit in the quietest way possible, do it as if you’re Solid Snake doing a stealth mission in the Metal Gear Solid video game series.
Ovations: See Applause.
Phones: Please put them on silent, I know for a fact that 0% will switch their phone off, we can do without the phone ringing but also make sure any notification lights are hidden away from the person on stage.
Quoting: If you hear something funny that’s worth repeating, say it at a volume that only you and the person you are talking to can hear, the performer probably doesn’t need to hear it as they’ve already said it just before you did!
Recommending: If you enjoy a show you’ve just witnessed, please recommend it to friends and family as a lot of shows rely on word of mouth, they’ll be grateful for people coming along to their shows.
Shushing: If your enjoyment of the comedy show is getting ruined by fellow audience members talking, don’t be afraid to give them a shush, accompanied with a stiff finger over pursed lips and unbroken eye contact with them until they stop talking.
Time: Try to turn up on time as many venues in the festival have multiple shows on so any delay to the start of shows will carry on for the rest of the night so it’s best to be punctual, also don’t look at your watch and tap on it repeatedly during the show.
Understanding: If you didn’t get the reference of a joke that everyone seemed to, still laugh and then Wikipedia the reference later so you won’t get caught out if someone quizzes you about it.
Vocabulary: If you didn’t understand a word that everyone seemed to, still laugh and then Wiktionary the reference later so you won’t get caught out if someone quizzes you about it.
Water: See Drinking, a viable thing to consume during a show.
Xylophone: The only one at the venue should be the one belonging to the performer, don’t bring one yourself and play it during awkward silences.
Yawning: When you’re in the crowd with no lights on, it does sometimes feel like it’s late at night and the feeling of yawning can overcome you. If you have to, please cover your mouth as the comedian may see you and think you are bored. Even if you are, cover your mouth and at least someone who sees you will think you are just trying to conceal a Covid cough.
Zoo: If possible don’t make any sounds like an animal from the zoo, it’s quite distracting.
See Sanjay Patel and many other comedians at the New Zealand International Comedy Festival on this May in Wellington and Auckland.
