In light of the first-ever record of a c-bomb dropping in the debating chamber this week, we take a look back at the potty mouths of our parliamentarians.

During question time on Wednesday, a wave of shocked murmurings swept across parliament’s debating chamber as workplace relations minister Brooke van Velden enunciated a word not often heard in such a hallowed setting: cunts. It was, of course, referring to Andrea Vance’s controversial Sunday Star-Times column on the government’s unexpected changes to the pay equity regime. “I do not agree with the clearly gendered and patronising language that Andrea Vance used to reduce senior cabinet ministers to girl bosses, hype squads, references to girl math and cunts,” said van Velden.

Was this the first time the c-word had ever been uttered in the debating chamber? Probably not, but it was the first time it was caught on mic and recorded in Hansard (at least since 2002, which is as far back as the parliamentary debate transcripts have been digitised). It has been written there, curiously, as “c[unts]”, as if the eyes of sensitive readers will somehow be shielded from the bracketed letters. 

FUCK

It was less than a year ago that Green MP Ricardo Menéndez March dropped the f-bomb in the debating chamber, in response to Phil Twyford saying Labour was only supporting an immigration bill because of amendments that had been made to it. “Your party introduced this bill as it was,” said Ménendez March. “Come on! Fuck. You voted for the bill without those amendments.”

No one complained, but speaker Gerry Brownlee said the matter would be discussed at the next sitting of the business committee. Twyford said it was “no big deal”, reported RNZ, while Greens co-leader Marama Davidson implied MPs were effing and blinding all the time. “If the microphones picked up all of the words… you’d run out of room [on] the news.” Act leader David Seymour, meanwhile, claimed he had not once heard anyone say fuck in parliament. “Call me prudish, but I actually think there’s something to be said for upholding the standards of parliament.”

There are two other parliamentary fucks recorded in Hansard, both attributed to another Green MP, Sue Bradford, on August 6, 2008 – she was referencing a Work and Income case officer allegedly telling a beneficiary to “fuck off”. 

BITCH

Six months ago, Labour MP Jan Tinetti alleged that National’s Erica Stanford had called her a “stupid bitch” in the House, but sadly this did not make it into Hansard. Stanford withdrew and apologised when prompted by the speaker, and then apologised again to Tinetti.

A similar occurrence seven years ago is etched into the parliamentary record, however. “You are a bitch,” said National MP Nicky Wagner to Labour’s Deborah Russell on June 20, 2018, in response to Russell implying that Wagner’s colleague Amy Adams was a numpty with numbers. “Frankly, it worries me that that is the capacity of the person they have as their finance spokesperson,” Russell had said, among other jibes in reference to Adams saying the previous National government had spent more on health than the Labour-NZ First government in power at the time. “You are a bitch,” Wagner piped up. Simple, to the point. Russell raised a point of order to request Wagner withdraw and apologise, which she did.

Hansard records a few other bitches, but mostly they’re being used as verbs (eg bitch and moan). National’s Simon Power did take issue with one of those instances in 2005, after NZ First’s Ron Mark mentioned “bitching that we hear coming from Simon Power’s quarters”, even though he immediately followed with “I withdraw the word; I did not mean to call Simon Power a bitch.” Power still raised a point of order, saying the word was “grossly offensive to most people present in the House”.

SHIT

There have been heaps of shits in the House, mostly from MPs who have shown a propensity for quoting those on the benefit using “real” language, and a few uttered inadvertently, such as Chester Borrows’ rare endearing self-swear in 2013: “All that really shows is that the Labour government – sorry, the Labour opposition – is out of step – shit, I am cocking this up – with where the rest of New Zealand is.”

Other notable mentions go to Winston Peters questioning John Key at length in 2012 about whether or not he’d told a school student that David Beckham was “thick as batshit” (he categorically denied it), and in 2016, Trevor Mallard reckoning it was “horse shit” that Key said he, as PM, shouldn’t be expected to know what the government spy agency was up to (illegally surveilling Kim Dotcom, in this case). 

At the sharper end of the naughty scale, in 2022 National MP Michael Woodhouse was kicked out by newly appointed deputy speaker Greg O’Connor of Labour after taking issue with one of his rulings: “This is outrageous. I’m out of here. What a load of shit, Greg.” Arguably worse still was Ron Mark calling National’s David Bennett a “lying little shit” in 2016. Bennett had called him a liar first – which is not allowed, as it’s considered unparliamentary language. Mark had “quite a valid point”, said the deputy speaker, “but he then decided to flagrantly abuse that by not only using the word that was unparliamentary but adding another unparliamentary word to it”. Two wrongs don’t make a right, Ron.

BASTARD

There have been half a dozen bastards in parliament said in reference to Sir Edmund Hillary saying “we knocked the bastard off” when he reached the top of Mt Everest. One of these was objected to by Shane Jones in 2010, who deemed “bastard” an inappropriate word. The assistant speaker told him, essentially, to lighten up.

Other instances include Maurice Williamson’s valedictory, during which he reckoned that retaining his secretaries for 30 years “means I cannot be as big a bastard as I have been accused of being in the media from time to time”. In 2009, Act’s Rodney Hide once invited the House to imagine confronting murderer Clayton Weatherston and think about what they’d do, to which National’s Chester Borrows yelled out, “kill the bastard”. NZ First’s Peter Brown tried to get away with calling some news producers bastards by prefacing it with the fact that he knew the producers’ parents weren’t married.

ALSO…

There have been 105 buggers, 43 arses, 36 bollocks, 23 pisses, a bunch of pricks (including two directed at Seymour; Jacinda Ardern’s “arrogant prick” dig in 2022 and Ron Mark’s “jumped-up little prick” in 2017) and three wankers (including National MP Tau Henare, who had once been an NZ First MP, calling his former leader Winston Peters one in 2008). 

If you’re wondering how our sweariness compares to parliaments abroad, in 2014 Australia’s education minister Christopher Pyne allegedly said “you’re such a cunt” to Labour leader Bill Shorten, but he insisted he actually said “you’re such a grub”. In the UK, in 2018 SNP MP Mhairi Black said “cunt” multiple times in her excellent Scottish accent to highlight the extent of the misogynistic abuse she’d been subject to.

Additional reporting by Mad Chapman