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SocietyJune 26, 2025

Help Me Hera: How can I exist while everything sucks?

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Is this really the best life gets?

Want Hera’s help? Email your problem to helpme@thespinoff.co.nz

Kia ora Hera,

Life seems to be shit right now on a number of levels – politically, in my job, and in many other spheres I don’t need to go into.

First, politically – obviously things are horrendous, and I’ve seen your advice previously that things have kind of always been horrendous which is both terrifying and comforting, but mostly terrifying.

Second, my job extremely sucks A) because it’s in the public sector, and B) because my manager is a lovely person but completely incompetent at doing their job which is leading to total chaos in my team. Like this manager can’t even show up to work on time, let alone organise a complex work programme and stay on top of everything.

Anyway, these are not necessarily the problems I want you to help me solve – really my problem is this: I’ve come to the conclusion that much of life will just be existing in the shitness, being aware of the problem and having to wait for it to get better/keep going anyway/do what I can (which is minimal and ineffective). This idea can be applied to anything really – the climate crisis, my loveable flatmates who don’t do their chores, unideal family relationships, and everything else under the sun.

I’m the sort of person that has a compulsion to take immediate action once I stop ignoring and numbing out the problem areas of my life and actually identify a problem – once I realise I need to have a hard conversation with a friend, I want it to happen ASAP; once I finally acknowledge the feeling of frustration I have, I have to solve it. it’s totally reprehensible to me that I will have to endure getting to know all of life’s problems on a deep, detailed level and then just exist through them, unable to do really anything about them because sometimes the conversations don’t solve everything, and capitalism means that I really will just always have to have a job, and like it or not, I really can’t control everything in the universe.

I thought I’d appeal to someone whose advice column I’ve thus far fully agreed with, and whose writing style makes me laugh and feel slightly less shit about the world. How can I exist while everything sucks? How do I go on? To be sure, there are so many good things in my life – my wonderful partner, friends, love, joy, etc – but when my job takes up so much of my life, and I live surrounded by sucky things, everything still weighs on me a lot. I don’t want to have to be in “ignorant bliss” of my problems in order to be happy, but there’s only so much frustration I can take! Any thoughts would be gratefully received

Ngā mihi,

Helplessly Hoping

Dear Helplessly Hoping,

Let’s pretend that none of us exist for a reason. That through the grace and tenacity of some primordial slime, we have the capacity to perceive the world around us. Bread! Rhinestone cowboy boots! Bach! Spiderman! The sunset over the Grand Canyon! Our ancestors survived ice ages and famines and feudalism, and plagues. They built pyramids and aqueducts and painted galleries full of naked women eating grapes. They invented cuneiform and gunpowder and rotary blades, and now here in the 21st century, I can write the sentence “the monkey extracted the pearl-handled revolver from the senator’s unattended handbag, and climbed into the waiting helicopter,” and have you understand me perfectly.

If I have ever, for one moment, given the impression that the world was nothing but a crock of shit, may God fire me headfirst out of one of those novelty circus cannons. I love this cave and the shadows blowing over it. Here we are, at the heart of the mystery, in a universe beyond our comprehension, crawling along the surface of time like ants over a Rembrandt. Tell me honestly, doesn’t it make you so glad to be alive, you want to throw up?

Obviously, as I write to you, things are geopolitically cooked. But when haven’t they been? Life has been hard and remains hard, no matter how many varieties of scented toilet cleaner one has access to. But what is also true is that life is unbearably wonderful and full of joy.

I’m not saying that the world is a good place. I am not even saying people are naturally kind at heart, or that things will get better. What I am saying is that the fact that any of us exist at all is a miracle, and just as bad things happen for no reason, good things happen for no reason. That the world will change you in ways you didn’t think possible, whether or not you want it to. That even when life is bad, it’s interesting.

I know this is an irritating thing to hear, especially if you’re going through a tough time. But the reason I’m saying it is because I don’t think you need advice on how to deal with your useless boss or your messy flatmates or your difficult family members. I think you need an existential pep talk.

Usually, I’m a little more circumspect about dispensing unsolicited optimism because people don’t like to hear it. There’s nothing more annoying than asking for help and being told the universe is beautiful and we are all lucky to be alive. But in all seriousness, the world is beautiful and we are lucky to be alive.

Sometimes when you’re struggling, it can be hard to see beyond the tedium. It can feel gauche, even borderline unethical, to be too positive about life when there’s so much suffering in the world. I don’t want to pretend that happiness is a skill issue, or that you can Eat Pray Love your way out of a depressive episode. Obviously, it’s easier to summon up a little joie de vivre if you’re not getting evicted from your apartment. But whatever the current state of the world, the only place any of us can live is in our own minds. So it’s in your best interests to find a strategy to survive your own personality.

I do think it’s possible, to some degree, to intentionally shape your perception of the world. This is not easy. But if you’re constantly repeating the mantra “life is terrible” or “I must kill again before the moon is full”, it’s going to calcify within you. I don’t have a degree in cognitive behavioural therapy, so I’m not sure what to suggest. For some people, meditation helps. For others, it’s about trying to intentionally rewrite negative thought patterns. I know the idea of “practising gratitude” sounds disgusting, but there are plenty of things to be grateful for that don’t have the cadence of an embroidered throw pillow. Vincent Price. Square dancing. Shrek 1 & 2. You have to find your own poison and drink it. Maybe the first step is acknowledging that you are hostage to this planet, and it’s incumbent upon you to apply all your intelligence and creativity towards finding a way to be at peace.

You say that you are a person who has the compulsion to take immediate action to solve your problems. I think this is a good thing! It shows that you have the courage and drive to change your life. Obviously, not all problems are solvable. We all have to coexist with difficult people, which requires resilience and patience. But I don’t think you have to live in a state of “ignorant bliss” to enjoy your life. It’s not delusional to love the world.

If you are truly mired in despair and cannot shake it off, I’d recommend you seek some professional help. But the next time you go for a walk in a supermarket, try to remove the goggles of habit. As Jordan Peterson said:

If my pep talk didn’t do it for you, here are a few alternatives.

Whatever you think of David Foster Wallace’s nefarious personal life, This is Water is a classic for a reason.

In the vein of American commencement speeches, you can do worse than George Saunders.

And my personal favourite, old Kurt Vonnegut.

Keep going!
A cul de sac on a sunny day with the word "neighbours" in red cursive font over the top

SocietyJune 26, 2025

The one simple trick to social cohesion? Trust your neighbours more than your MP

A cul de sac on a sunny day with the word "neighbours" in red cursive font over the top

At a gathering of global religious, political and cultural experts in Singapore this week, one action has been cited over and over as a key to social harmony.

At the International Conference on Cohesive Societies (ICSS), more than 1,000 delegates from around the world have listened to former politicians, academics and digital entrepreneurs speak about the increasing polarisation around the world and what it will take for societies to flourish in a new reality. And the message that keeps coming back around, whether in talks about combatting online extremism, increasing social cohesion or embracing multiculturalism, is almost laughably simple: talk to your neighbours. 

In April, the Helen Clark Foundation released its commissioned report on social cohesion in New Zealand, which painted a bleak picture of the country as one filled with uncertainty, resentment and dissatisfaction. The worrying headline that emerged in local reporting on it was that New Zealanders were “less happy than their Australian mates, have a lower sense of worth, and are less satisfied with their finances”. 

“On every dimension, New Zealand is falling behind,” said co-author Shamubeel Eaqub at the time, pointing to levels of happiness and financial satisfaction. But there was one area where New Zealanders scored significantly higher than Australians. “More New Zealanders believe government can be trusted to do the right thing (42% vs 33% in Australia),” read the report’s summary.

Speaking at the ICCS on the newly released 2025 Southeast Asian Social Cohesion Radar, which aims to track a similar sentiment to New Zealand’s own report, Dr Farish Noor pointed out the slight decline in trust in government institutions but an increase in civic mindedness across the region. A decline in trust in the state is not inherently a cause for concern, he posited, or a suggestion of decaying social cohesion. In fact, when coupled with a rise in civic-mindedness or community engagement, it was actually a positive. “Ultimately the state can’t be a micro-manager,” he said. “You have to trust your own neighbours and people.” 

Ideally there’d be an increase in both trust in the government to do the right thing and trust in our neighbours, but on its own, an increase in what’s known as “horizontal trust” is a positive thing, said Noor.

A faraway photo of a conference stage in a dimly lit function room, with a large blue screen at the back and two speakers on the stage
The International Conference on Cohesive Societies in Singapore (Photo: Madeleine Chapman)

In New Zealand, one’s satisfaction with their financial position and trust in government appeared to have an inverse relationship with community engagement and trust.

Of the respondents in the New Zealand social cohesion report, Māori and Pasifika were more likely to have had to skip meals due to finances, were more concerned with crime in their neighbourhoods and were least trusting of the government, but were also more likely to be happy, more likely to have helped out someone they didn’t live with in the past four weeks, more likely to be part of a community group and more likely to view their neighbourhood as a place where a diverse range of people got along. 

This apparent contradiction was mirrored in the Southeast Asia social cohesion radar, which showed there was no connection between political systems (or civil liberties) and social cohesion. 

One very clear signifier of disenchantment in the New Zealand report, however, was age. Those aged under 30 were most likely to feel unstable financially, as well as isolated and disconnected from community. Younger people have reported higher levels of loneliness compared to older people for generations but as the first generation to grow up entirely with the internet, there are new concerns about young people’s likelihood of finding real-life community later in life.

A recent trend on Tiktok has been young users having their minds blown by the phrase “the price of community is inconvenience”. The words adorn videos of neighbours moving furniture together, young women getting ready for a birthday they really can’t be bothered attending, and cross-generational friendships. The moral? Sometimes being a part of something bigger than yourself means making sacrifices or compromises for the sake of maintaining community.

This is the crux of the issue being tackled at the ICCS. Building horizontal trust relies on human-to-human interaction – whether it’s speaking over the fence with your neighbour, dropping a friend to the airport or making small talk with the supermarket checkout operator. It depends on exposure, in mundane ways, to people different from ourselves in order to find connection and a common goal (to happily live alongside one another). So how do we do that when digital advancements are removing these opportunities at every turn?

In an earlier panel, former ICANN CEO Fadi Chehade predicted that by the time there are 10 billion humans in the world, there will be 100 billion artificial agents representing them. AI “advocates” who can negotiate on our behalf for better insurance, or work with other people’s artificial agents to coordinate schedules. You potentially wouldn’t have to speak to another person ever again.

A representative from Google then spoke of the developments to its Gemini AI assistant tool and how there would soon be a version specifically for children under 13. There was extensive talk of the role of regulation and governments in fostering community and limiting harmful content on social media platforms in order to create resilient digital systems. No one suggested any of this would increase social cohesion, simply that they would be necessary to reduce the current growing harms.

Instead, the one solution for increasing social cohesion that everyone – former politicians, economists, tech experts, dignitaries – could agree on was just to be a real-life neighbour to those around you while you still know how to. Apparently nothing breeds trust, connection and empathy like regular human exposure.

As social media expert Benjamin Lee was spoke about the impenetrability of online forums and the resentment they breed, a group of women at the table next to me in the cavernous hotel ballroom started a whispered conversation. I couldn’t understand what they were saying but I could certainly hear them over the top of the panel speakers. It was distracting and, if I’m honest, really annoying. I wouldn’t have had to listen to them if I was watching the livestream of the event from my hotel room instead. But if I’d done that, I’d have had no idea they existed at all.